Secret Confessions: How great is it to have a child?

This is an entry in the Pro-Abortion series.
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From Childfreedom.

There is a web site called Secret Confessions, where people send in their anonymous stories (or reply to said stories) on various topics. The particular topic I want to talk about is called “I hate being a mom.“

While I admit this is not an argument against the pro-choice position or the anti-abortion position per se, I think no discussion of the abortion issue can ignore the regrets that women (and men) can get from having children. We hear a great deal about regrets that women get from aborting; we hear a great deal about how wonderful it is to have children; we hear a great deal about how selfish we are for not having children (as if there are any reasons for having children that are not completely and utterly selfish); we hear little about the other side, and when we do, it’s always accompanied by a mandatory “but it’s all worth it!”. Because this is a taboo topic in our societies, the only way we can get such confessions is through the anonymity of the Internet. This is why pages of this nature as so useful.

Here are some of the confessions for you to peruse.

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I’m so happy to have found this site too! Isn’t it nice to know you’re not the only one? Sometimes when I’m walking around with my daughter at the zoo and see all the other mothers with their stair-stepper kids, like 3 or 4 kids right in a row and a baby on the way I think “what’s wrong with me? why can’t I do it like her?” I wonder why I feel so sad and depressed all the time. My daughter is beautiful and wonderful, smart and fun…but she’s the ONLY thing in my life. I’m a single mom and I won’t complain about that, actually I’d rather do this by myself than also have to handle her biological father and all of his baggage. He’s not involved with us at all, haven’t even gotten a phone call from him since her first birthday and my feeling is “with a father like that who needs a father?” I’m all she needs and more than enough. I’m a great mom and super patient and she’s a VERY involved child. Not much independent play or anything like that…it’s pretty much complete interface from her waking moment until I have to rock her to sleep every night for an hour! Then she’s awake during the night too, like every 90 minutes she comes to get me. I, too, feel like I can’t handle it. I feel like I’m being completely suffocated and there’s no way out. I understand loving your children but hating this motherhood gig! It’s incredible. I feel terrified when I realize how much of myself is left to me…none, absolutely none at all. It’s crazy! I get up with her in the morning and struggle with her over eating a good breakfast, I play with her and then struggle with her to get dressed, then we battle to get into the carseat, and I drop her off to daycare, where we struggle with one another there! I go to work and pick her up and battle over eating dinner (and it’s completely mystifying when the daycare lady tells me what a total delight she was, how she ate her lunch, cleaned up her toys and went down for her nap without so much as a sneeze!), then the bedtime (the most completely horrifying moments of my day) begins…and goes on for 2 1/2 hours sometimes. I cry and ask God to help me. I feel like I’m losing my mind. Then I have to go to bed because I know I’ll need the energy for the next day…because she’ll be waking me up all night long too. When she puts her little arms around me and tells me how much she loves me I’m dying inside because I think about what a horrible person I am for hating this. How can I hate it when she’s so beautiful and sweet? I feel like going to work is my only break and I can’t imagine if I was a stay-at-home mom (which I was for her first year and a half so I know what that’s like, too). I’m so sorry for all the tears you shed and your feelings of helplessness. I know what it’s like. Hang in there!
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I have battled with feeling like I do not want my children from the moment my first daughter was born. Every single day is a massive struggle for me. I find myself unable to cope with my girls and I manage by booking them into expensive child care settings / and offloading them to family whenever possible. The very minute I get them back I want them gone again and I am contemplating putting myself into a clinic of some sort whilst I get my head right. I want the kids to be taken into Foster Care until I feel like I can actually enjoy them and not dread having to look after them. I have absolutely no maternal instincts what so ever and even when the kids are hurt I find myself going through the motions without actually caring about them much. I have to remind myself to kiss them good night because this is not natural to me. I find interaction with them virtually impossible and I will take them out all of the time to avoid it. That way they can amuse themselves. I am seeing a therapist about this because I also have 2 step children and I have come to absolutely hate my step son and my marriage is dangling on by a thread. I have been told that I have suffered post natal depression that was undiagnosed. My oldest daughter also had autism and fed into my pre existing issues. Have been feeling really angry and suicidal as I don’t want to loose my husband but my behaviour is pushing him away. Feel like I am beyond help.
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Wow I’m glad I found this site. Sometimes, well always, I want to run from being a mother. I’d rather be at work than home with my daughter who is 9. I’m glad I didn’t have more children.

I have a loving husband, I have an extended family support system who live near by, I have a good job.

I regret most days that I became pregnant. I thought it was what I wanted. I’ve had and been through postpartum depression including hospitalization.

She is different to other kids, but they can’t find anything wrong. We’ve had assessment after assessment. She doesn’t do too well at school but at the same time is fairly bright. I have trouble understanding her, she is very strong willed, as I am too.

Some people ask why I have only one child, and I answer that’s all that was right for me. I don’t have any more love for another child, but the truth is I don’t have much love to give for this child.

I’m glad my daughter has others in her life that can provide her with the love that I can’t – Her dad, both her grandmothers, and aunts.

I’ve never told her or anyone else my true feelings. My father told me he wish he didn’t have me on more than one occasion which crushed me. Despite my feelings I never want her to know that I feel anything like that.

Thanks for listening. I’m glad to have this secret off my chest.
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Wow, I’m not alone! I used to love being a mom. I have 4 girls and couldn’t have asked for a better life. However, 4 years ago, my 4 year old (2nd child) was diagnosed with terminal cancer and wasn’t expected to make it another 7 months. She proved everyone wrong and knocked the socks off the docs. She still is fighting and is going to attempt 1/2 days at school this week. However, this battle has been so hard on all of us. I feel so guilty to complain, but I regret bringing these children into this world to have to witness such pain and an unstable mom. So many people will tell me I am so strong, but the truth is I have only become numb. I refuse to allow myself to get close to anyone including my husband and children. I just couldn’t handle the pain of loss any longer and now I feel I have failed them of there needs. I am so angry I was chosen for this job and hate it everyday. I’m tired and deliberately sleep so I may dream of a different life. I want to run away, but know I would never forgive myself. Actually, I struggle with forgiving myself now for wishing I never had children. Being a mom, stuck behind closed doors, and shut off from the world is no picnic for anyone, whether you care for a child, the ill, or elderly. Eventually, it catches up with us all. Guess, we’ll continue to pray for better days, just wonder if I’ll ever see it here on earth.
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I love my kids – I ache for them every time I snap at them, every time I neglect their needs, turn them away because I know they deserve so much more. But I am done. I cannot make myself volunteer for one more bake sale, eat lunch at the school, go to Mcdonalds or play outside when I hate being outdoors. I’m constantly being pulled in several different directions, especially with children of such varying ages, and after almost 17 years of being called “momma” I am desperate to rediscover who I used to be before being buried under the tons and tons of mommy debris. I have tons of regrets, but I already know that my biggest one at the end of my life will be not loving what I do. I told my husband it was like living in a Communist country – being forced to work at a job you hate for your entire life. There are no easy escapes – how can one abandon their children and not feel the weight of guilt everyday? How can one continue the mind numbing endless chores of motherhood and not want to run away? All I can do is accept this is the life I have – but accepting isn’t the same as enjoying and I can honestly say everyday I hate what I do without a ton of guilt (there is still some residual guilt). Because I, like most of the mothers here, am still doing it. Still wiping butts, still cleaning up spills, still reading, helping with homework. And I resent no one, I just ache for something more. I do know there are many women who would love the life that has been handed to me – but that doesn’t make me feel better because there are many women’s lives that I would love to have. At this point of my life, I’m ok with the fact that my kids are uninjured, sane, and loved. My house is a mess, chicken nuggets are a food group, and if my husband wants a perfect wife/mother, he more than welcome to go find one.
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I constantly feel that if only someone had told me the truth, I would have spared myself and my husband this miserable life, and could have spared two beautiful children this disgusting world.
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I think that, especially at a social event, parents and everyone else is going to be on their best behavior. I KNOW that some other moms I have personally talked to, shared struggles with, put on a happy mom face in public.

Also, I really do not want my kids to get hurt or sick at such a large event. I keep a watchful eye on what they are doing. And, I think kids are an easy, cop-out thing to talk about, without getting too personal…if that makes sense.

Out in “public”, people can act really different. No one wants to embarass themsleves.
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I don’t know why, but it’s gotten worse these last few months…to the point where my misery is so encompassing it’s all I can think about. Sometimes the sadness weighs so heavily on me it’s physically challenging to do simple day to day things. It’s all I can do to get through my work day (I have a full time job) followed by picking the kids up at the sitters, feeding them dinner, giving them baths (my least favorite time of the day!! Ugh, bathtime = torture), going through the bedtime rituals and then, enjoying an hour to myself during which I eat junk food and watch crap TV before passing out on the couch and having to force myself to go upstairs to bed. Such quality me time.

I’ve always had suicidal thoughts, but it seems like more and more lately my suicidal fantasies take up so much of my time. One night last month I went home and put the kids to bed and thought, “tonight is the night.” And obviously I didn’t do it…but I was so consumed by my own depression that I couldn’t see going on another day. It’s the only thing I can think of doing that will put an end to my pain.
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I empathize with every mother here who believed what the media portrayed and others told them about how amazing it was to be a mom. I too fell for it. I am now hating life and everything that comes with being a mom. I understand I became a mother for all the wrong reasons and I OWN my decision and the consequences. I will say that I have written off all those so called “friends” who made me feel like I was missing out on the best experience in life and how much I would regret not having kids. These were not my friends, these were miserable women who wanted miserable company. Not to say that every women is miserable, but I KNOW some of these so called “friends” defiantly lied. I feel these are the same women who sit on this site and say how the Childfree women on here are just trying to rub it in the rest of our faces and that they have other social issues/deformities and to get off the forum (just an FYI if you are socially incompetent you are socially incompetent regardless of your kid status). The women who say this crap are just jealous of the childfree’s lifestyle (I’m sure I’ll get some defensive mothers writing back to counteract that statement), but I understand you ladies aren’t here for that reason, you have people around you telling you how great it is and are on the fence about having a child and are just trying to see all sides of the spectrum. I understand and am here to tell you it isn’t as great as some of your friends and family are telling you. Of course it is up to you, but know that it is 100 times harder then what society makes it out to be.
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For some biological reason I really really wanted a baby. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I was the best parent before I had a child. My 6 year old sucks the life blood out of me. When I complain about her people look at me like I’m nuts – like we are all supposed to paste a smile on and pretend motherhood is the best thing on earth. I had a perfect baby, a nightmare toddler, and it’s only getting worse.
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I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired of my sad life at home. It’s been 15 years of the same mess and I just can’t take it any more. Somehow over the years, I have managed to cope and change my attitude. But, why should I? As a mom, I’m cooking, cleaning, working, nursing, helping with homework, going to doctor’s visits and school visits and my husband seems to do nothing but just pay the bills. I have three kids, all stair step in age, 11, 12 and 14. The attitudes are killing me and my husband not setting ground rules or telling the kids the opposite of what I tell them to do is driving me nuts. The house is a total mess unless I clean it up and I am not doing it anymore. I hate coming home and I sometimes hate being around them. Sometimes, I just wish I could just be alone with none of this to contend with. It’s a constant battle every day with homework, chores and overall respect. I need some peace of mind.
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Do keep in mind that these women made the wrong choice, insofar as they did not choose to abort, and they are paying the consequences of their moral failure. I am not on their side. Their children can also be devastated by being told that they were unwanted, and that is a burden imposed on them by these parents. I post these stories not out of sympathy, but so that the fact that many women do hate being mothers but are too afraid to “come out” can come to the forefront of this discussion and take its place as valuable evidence. Procreation is a trap used by the patriarchy to keep women in line.

Of course the pro-choice contingent is going to try to refute these stories by saying that they are not typical or that having children is still “worth it.” To which I would simply reply, how do you know? Even if you had children and never regretted it, your experience may not be typical. Because this is a taboo topic, we just can’t know except through personal testimonies such as these.

Furthermore, here are some female postpartum bodies. Click on the links if you wish to see them.

Anber
Amy
Tabitha
Triplet mom

Unless you go to The Shape of a Mother, you may never have seen the (sometimes horrific) consequences of pregnancy on a woman. You sure don’t see those advertised anywhere. They need to be seen by any woman who thinks of becoming pregnant. If the woman doesn’t find anything wrong with it, then that’s fine, but those who don’t want their bodies to become deformed in like manner will know the truth. This is much more important for “informed consent” than pictures of a dang fetus.

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