Corporations want to help you!

The Onion uses humour to once again point out the truth of a situation, in this case, the attempts of giant corporations to position themselves as environmentally-friendly:

Ever since we changed our name from British Petroleum to BP (Beyond Petroleum) in 2000, we’ve led the way in developing progressive, environmentally friendly alternatives to gasoline. These last few years of pouring money into biofuels and renewable energy sources have been so great that I can’t for the life of me remember why we used to drill for dirty old oil in the first place! What’s that? You mean we’re still pumping that stuff from hundreds of refineries all over the world?

Oh sure, oil used to be a big thing with us from 1901 until after the new millennium, but these days I’m so busy with all the green-themed advertising campaigns and making a lasting commitment to our children’s future—well, I just haven’t thought about our worldwide system of oil fields in months! Funny how things just slip your mind when your multinational energy corporation vows to make obsolete the very product that brought it an unstoppable cash flow for over a century.

So why exactly are people still buying gas, when all the cars in the United States are powered by electric batteries by now? They’re not? What?! You’re pulling my leg, right? Surely we’re not still relying on that dinosaur technology after all the effort we’ve put into alternative energy sources and forging an inoffensive corporate identity that reflects a new consciousness of global responsibility. Are we?

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