Two Onion articles about… the mass media.

Trust The Onion to tell it like it is. These two Onion articles go very well together:

Report: 90% Of Waking Hours Spent Staring At Glowing Rectangles
Film About Little Guy Battling Huge, Morally Bankrupt Organization Made By Huge, Morally Bankrupt Organization

While a majority of the iridescent shapes are employed for recreation, thought-relief, and during the late hours of the night, sexual gratification, others are used to effectively impart orders and commands to the American populace. According to researchers, these rectangles help to notify citizens about which brand of domestic detergent to buy, what direction to drive their vehicles in, and how many more seconds a food item must remain inside its revolving radiation chamber before it can be hurriedly consumed.

The rectangles even help Americans to successfully emote, often by using a combination of visual and aural signals to indicate when laughter or tears should be produced.

“Life would be very different if it weren’t for these magical squares of light,” cultural studies professor and social critic David Ostroff typed to reporters using one of his wireless messaging rectangles. “Sry. Have 2 go. Movie about 2 strt.”

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