You may remember the entry I wrote on someone’s list of Reasons not to have children/reasons to have children. Someone pointed me to this page: 101 Reasons For Having Children!
For those of you who don’t know the Christian fanatics called Quiverfull or QF, they basically are people who follow a Biblical conception of marriage: the man rules over the woman, and the woman rules over the children, which the woman must produce without end. Children are beaten regularly (with murders not unusual), the father marries the girls off, everyone dresses plainly, and so on. The famous Duggar family, who have their own television show, are amongst these families.
I’m not going to review the whole list, because there’s just too many, and they are mind-bogglingly stupid. As you expect, about half of them have to do with God. Some are funnier than others, though. Note the intro:
I receive constant complaints from mothers telling me how hurt they are from the negative comments which they receive from family and friends when they share the news that they are going to have another baby. “God gave you a brain, didn’t He?”
… I wouldn’t go that far.
Here we go:
10. It is amazing to think that each child is a part of me and my beloved husband.
Lady, giving birth is not quite like making Frankenstein’s monster. I really hope the baby has no part of you or your husband, otherwise you have a biological problem on your hands.
11. God said to Jeremiah, “BEFORE I formed you in the womb I knew you…” God is the One who will form my future children. If He knew Jeremiah before conception, then He knows all my children before conception, yes, even the children who haven’t yet been formed. I don’t want to refuse children God has chosen.
Whoa! Talk about taking Bible verses way out of context! Jeremiah 1:5 is about how God appointed Jeremiah to be his prophet. It doesn’t apply to the children of this breeding machine, unless she’s an acute megalomaniac.
15. I’ll have more babies to nurse and therefore less risk of breast cancer.
Unfortunately for her, the benefits only apply to those women who had children after 25, and if she’s a quiverfull in good standing, she should have had at least five children by that age… Then again, this point also contradicts quiverfull doctrine, since they believe the woman should not breastfeed because breastfeeding reduces fertility (they are whackjobs, what can I say?).
27. It’s just as easy to cook for ten as it is for one!
What? This is just bizarre. The life of a QF mother is so frantic that she has to be lying to herself through her teeth just to make it through the day. This list is just another defense mechanism, I bet.
29. You have your own cheering squad in whatever you do.
That’s nothing. Get nine and you can have your own baseball team! But even better, when you get nine, the tenth one is absolutely free! Now how much would you pay?
(answer: your whole life, your freedom, and all your dreams)
34. More children releases more of Christ in our home.
CHRIST ESCAPED AGAIN! All right, which one of you released Christ from his cage this time? You damn kids, I can’t wait until your dad comes back so he can beat every single one of you!
43. I want to increase the ‘salt’ and ‘light’ proportion in the world!
But you have to follow the ‘recipe.’ If you put too much ‘salt’ and ‘light,’ your meal will not only taste ‘terrible’ but will also ‘blind’ everyone.
47. My children help me surrender the selfish desires of my flesh.
And yet here you are, still fucking like rabbits to make more children. So I guess that doesn’t work, huh?
52. I’m replenishing the earth with godly seed.
… I’m pretty sure that’s what your husband is supposed to do.
58. Jesus said that when we welcome a little child into our home and family we are actually welcoming Him. I don’t want to spurn Jesus.
No, Jesus never said that, and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be crying if you stopped spawning like a breeding machine.
61. We still have an empty seat in our van, and we’d like to fill it!
First of all, that’s not how cars work. Secondly, the only way you still have an empty seat in your van is if you count the floor, the trunk and the ski rack.
72. I want to rear strong soldiers for the Lord.
79. I want to yield my womb as a living sacrifice to God.
89. It sure is nice to kiss and smell a little one again. Their scent is so sweet.
92. Babies are future dish washers!
Brrrr. You are one creepy breeding machine, lady.