Fuck the expectation of forgiveness.

Red Flag Archives comments on how much victims are pushed to forgive, and how damaging that can be.

Our culture often tells survivors/victims to “forgive and forget” while at the same time victim blaming them for staying with an abuser. They can’t win. Personally, every time I gave an abuser a second chance, I just got abused more. Whether it was abusive exes, abusive friends, or abusive family members. That is not to say that anyone who chooses (or is forced) to stay or go back to a situation in which their abuser is back in their life that it is their fault if they experience abuse. Again, it is ALWAYS the abuser’s responsibility not to abuse, not the survivor/victim’s responsibility to not get abused.

I think our culture more commonly expects us to forgive abusive family members (or people in a specific community), like, for the sake of the rest of the family (or community). They tell you you’re “breaking the family apart”, when really the abuser, and everyone who supports the abuser rather than the abused, is who is responsible for breaking the family apart. Survivors/victims are being blamed for both being abused, and the after effects of the abuse, and then told how to feel and react while the abuser’s behavior is ignored.

And I think we can connect this to the larger socio-political context as well.

2 thoughts on “Fuck the expectation of forgiveness.

  1. plasticgirl April 19, 2015 at 14:17 Reply

    This post really resonated with me on a lot of levels. Thank you for this. My only… not so much quibble, but, called a “experienced-earned reflex/response/reaction to abusers, and that is, i was born and thrust into a world of violators. They, quite literally, started it first. They opened fire on me, seemingly because I was on their range. Which makes them predators. So I was born into a world of ruthless human predators and after the first couple dozen violations, you begin to blame yourself for not being able to detect, avoid or escape them. It’s my fault i got hurt, again, because i wasn’t smarter, better, stronger, than them,

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