Every single one of us is sick.

For the thousand ways I resist the patriarchy every day, there are another ten thousand ways in which I give in, lie back, and let the flow of oppression take me away. … I have never consented. Not once. Every single sexual encounter I have ever had with a man exists on the same spectrum of rape from the most obvious to the most insidious. Every time I do so much as shave my legs, simply because I have been conditioned to hate their natural state, my body is not my own. It is always a tool of the patriarchy, valued for its fuckibility. I stand in front of the mirror plucking my eyebrows weekly, pleased with their socially acceptable shape, but horrified by the realization that I have no idea what I would like my eyebrows to look like if I was a truly free of this horrid cycle of self-hatred and mental illness. I love myself for looking pretty, I hate myself for looking pretty. I love myself for resisting looking pretty, I hate myself for resisting looking pretty. This horror is specifically constructed to take away our consent in almost every detail of our lives.

Every single one of us is sick. The society which has given us our life has taken away our identity and agency. Who am I outside of the short brunette with purposely tousled sexy hair? I have no idea. Simply the mental energy required to resist the smallest details of the patriarchy is beyond my grasp. I can float on top of this vast ocean of madness, but I am still a part of it and my toes are not dry.

And I hate myself, almost as much as I hate the men who would use me and discard me as a temporary sheath for their penis. When I take the time to really think about who I am, and how I know who I am, its very clear that everything about me is manufactured for the profit or pleasure of someone other than myself. This sickness is like a cancer, a parasite, that encompasses my entire existence and being… it is Stockholm Syndrome. I am happy for being oppressed. I “consent” to oppression to be happy. All I can do is condemn the patriarchy while hypocritically adhering to it in ways unknown and known to me.

This violence will not cease in so long as we remain complacent that our choices are good and just because they must be our own. The entire structure of society is based on a convenient lie. I did not manufacture this atrocity, I did not set the gears in motion. Sometimes I oil them, and sometimes I throw small pebbles into the clockwork out of futile spite. In my lifetime I will never be free of the patriarchy, no matter how far I run, and neither will anyone else.

My only consolation is that I am self-aware enough to admit my madness, to mourn for a world that is terminally sick, and that my purpose in this vast mechanism is to be oppressed rather than to enforce and perpetuate the oppression. Why I live is not that because of the knowledge that my choices are my own, because that delusion is not available to a critical mind. No, I live with the assurance that in so long as I live, I will never consent to bring another into this existence of internalized agony, nor will I ever pretend that this is what I would want, if I was ever, even for a moment, given the free choice.

One thought on “Every single one of us is sick.

  1. jigenryu778 October 17, 2015 at 11:37 Reply

    I am really sorry if it sounds like I am trying to highjack this article just so I can rant about my own problems, but this piece really speaks to me as someone who feels that he has suffered just as much for simply being who he is. I may have mentioned this before and I am sorry for bringing it up again, but I am a Q in the LGBTQA, and I can definitely relate to what this person is going through even though we are from two different subordinated groups. I know that it may sound like I am just stealing what this person wrote so I can connect, but please hear me out.

    More often than not, I get into more trouble for fighting back against homophobia than simply letting it happen. I am expected to let it happen because it is apparently my responsibility to teach these idiots instead of them being responsible for themselves. Suddenly, it is my fault whenever someone attacks me for being born with a different set of instincts than what is considered normal. For hundred ways I resist, there are another million more ways that attack, such me being labeled the real bully when it is supposed to be the other way around.

    I never consented to the shit they spew either, but like I said, I am expected to just sit there and let it happen in the name of free speech, and it is beyond sickening.

    In the end, I can only speak for myself even though I would like to speak for all the countless other oppressed minorities who have suffered for being different just as I have.

    I, too, feel deeply betrayed by both myself and others when I find out that I am just greasing the gears of a machine that for all I know could be greasing the gears of an even bigger machine, and so on. I have completely sacrificed what has made me unique in the name of conformity. What brings me comfort, though, is the thought of vengeance on all those who either spoke or acted against me as a human being, and hatred towards the doctrines that treat principles such as treating others the same way you would like to be treated in return as mere ideas. What also comforts me is the promise that I will never contribute to this godforsaken nation of mine in return for what it has done to me.

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