Quotes from Karl Pilkington’s book The Moaning of Life.

“One of the main reasons I don’t want kids is the fact that they take over your life. Tony [the turtle] was proof of this. I’d missed my tea the night before, hadn’t slept properly all night and still hadn’t had breakfast, all due to me worrying about him. This is how it would be if I had a kid. I’ve seen it with mates who have them who say, ‘Oh, you should have kids, it’s a life-changing experience.’ But what does that mean? Losing a leg is a life-changing experience, but that doesn’t mean you’d actually want to lose one. ‘Oh, but you’re missing out,’ they say, as if they know what I want more than I do. Would they say to a gay bloke, ‘Oh, you should get your hands on a nice pair of tits, you’d love it, mate’?”

“If you decide to have kids, there is no guarantee that they will be there for you when you get older, especially since people don’t tend to stay in the same city as their family any more. Another reason people give for wanting kids is to carry on the family name, but that doesn’t interest me at all. I’m not bothered about it because no one seems to be able to get my name right anyway.”

“I really think it would be a good idea if people were given the chance to get a taste of what parenthood is actually like before going through with it: a kind of try-before-you-buy experience. Everyone always wonders if they’d make good parents, but they never question whether they really want to be parents. Yes, I’m sure there can be plenty of nice moments when you have a child, but there’s another side to everything. Hearing a baby might be a lovely thing, but if I was woken up in the middle of the night by my baby laughing to itself, it would bloody terrify me.”

“The idea of winged babies flying around with no nappies on seems like an accident waiting to happen. There would be shit everywhere. If I saw a cherub flying about in real life it would terrify me, whereas a Cyclops, which is another mythical being, wouldn’t scare me at all, as it’s just a bloke with one eye. He’d be registered disabled and get a decent parking space in today’s world.”

“[I]f I was a woman and the only word that could be used to describe me was ‘cute’ I would not be happy. Things that are ‘cute’ are usually also useless- they’re ‘cute’ because they’ve nothing else going for them. I’m sure that’s why babies are cute; otherwise most people wouldn’t have them, as they don’t bring much else to your life for years.”

“I watched nature programmes, and I was jealous of insects, as they know their purpose in life from the moment they’re born. Dung beetles don’t have career advisors, they just get on with shifting balls of shit. They know that’s what they’re here for and were born to do- easy. But we humans don’t know why we’re here.”

“People who are grumpy are usually like that for a reason, but no one ever thinks to find out if they have a right to be grumpy. Look at Grumpy in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. He’s got a reputation for being moody, but of course he’s grumpy: half his colleagues are bleeding useless. If I had to work with Dopey, Sleepy and Sneezy I’d be well pissed off too, especially with Happy standing there acting like everything is fine.”

“The main problem with the world is overpopulation. Forests are being chopped down to build houses, too many people create more pollution, and there’s a massive strain on the soil from growing food to feed the masses who are living longer and longer. Back in the day, people died in their 20s of toothache, but now we’ve got old women in their 80s doing star jumps at the gym, and we’re making it worse as we’re saving everyone and everything. We even attempt to bring stuff back from the dead. Scientists were trying to bring the mammoth back from extinction! Where’s that going to live and what’s it going to eat?! I can’t see things getting better, so I don’t worry about saving the planet. I don’t think we need to, as the planet will always be here. It’s us who will be wiped out, which, if you really care about Planet Earth, is probably the best thing that could happen to it.”

“Melissa asked if it was important to me to save the forests for the sake of my grandchildren. I explained I won’t be having any, as I don’t have any kids and I’m not planning on having any either, as the world doesn’t need me to produce more people. Some would say I’m being selfish not giving new life a chance, but you could say people who have kids are more selfish for adding to the problem of overpopulation. Again, I might be being selfish here, but the idea of no human life in the future doesn’t bother me. The way I see it, as humans we’ve had our go and we’ve made a right mess. We’ll disappear like the dinosaurs did and something else will get a go.”

“Richard asked if I felt bad about disturbing the dead, but I think it’s a daft saying. Out of everyone on the planet, if you’re going to disturb someone I’d say disturb the dead. It doesn’t bother them too much and I’ve never heard of a dead person complaining. I get bloody disturbed with the endless sales calls I get, door-to-door salesmen trying to flog me tea towels and flannels, and men wanting to come in to read my gas, water and electricity meters. How about not disturbing the living! Why is that allowed?!”

2 thoughts on “Quotes from Karl Pilkington’s book The Moaning of Life.

  1. OutlawSage November 3, 2015 at 03:51 Reply

    Aw, man. This guy is amazing. He’s pretty much the only non political ‘average’ personal allowed on television. What he reveals about all liberal tropes and conservative tropes and common sense thinking is amazing. Having kids, sexism, sexual preference, fetish, and all sorts of things are revealed in their more common sense existence and it’s so interesting what people think when they don’t have a liberal agenda. It’s weird he is both sexist, usually because he assumes all the people and animals he hears stories about are he and judges a woman’s dateability based on her looks, but is also not as sexist as the more popular programs and people because he assumes he can speak to women as if they were human beings with the same sort of desires as he.
    He is the perfect subject if you want to find out what non-political people think about things in general, especially those who are very kind and want to be fair, how the cultural he has been shaped by makes him have disgust of manlove, among other prejudices. Very fascinating.

    • Francois Tremblay November 3, 2015 at 04:04 Reply

      I wouldn’t say that Karl Pilkington is a good indicator of what the average person thinks. :)

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