Many antinatalists will already be familiar with the “red button” hypothetical, which asks a person if they would push a red button that would instantly kill every single human being on Earth. Some have also proposed another button which instantly sterilizes every person on Earth. But no one knows that there are many other buttons available for antinatalist hypotheticals. Thanks to my pandimensional sources, I’ve been able to compile a list of other existential buttons for everyone to ponder. Which of these would you push? Which would you not push?
Wine colored button- When pressed, every single sentient being in the world is erased from existence. Politicians still remain to roam the land, grazing on low-hanging bills.
Black button- When pressed, any person who clearly expresses an honest desire to die three times is immediately erased from the timeline, with no one remembering their existence. Also called the Free Disposal Button.
Green button- When pressed, every single person who is not vegan is erased from existence. Having no one left to feel superior to, the remaining population falls into a state of despondence. On the plus side, factory farming is definitely over.
Brown button- When pressed, every single sentient being in the world no longer feels physical pain. All signals of pain are redirected to a visual stimuli, similar to those used in video games. All sentient beings are instinctively aware of what this visual stimuli means and act accordingly.
Black and white button- When pressed, every single person in the world is erased from existence except for one man named Henry Bemis. There is time now.
Wheat color button- When pressed, every single person in the world is erased from existence except Trump supporters. They shoot each other to death within two months.
Blue button- When pressed, every single person in the world has their mind replaced by a global hive-mind whose immediate goals are world peace, a sustainable population, and saving the environment from industrial capitalism.
Powder blue button- When pressed, every single person in the world has their mind replaced by a hive-mind whose goal is to make an exponentially greater number of cat memes.
Electric blue button- When pressed, every single person in the world, with the exception of people living in communities that explicitly repudiate computer technology, is immediately plugged into a virtual version of Earth that is near-indistinguishable from the real Earth, and lives the rest of their life there. Also called the Amish Paradise Button.
Ultraviolet button- When pressed, every single person in the world is permanently turned into an atheist. The entire world population’s fanaticism realigns itself into secular groups: regular atheism, atheism+, atheism++, feminism, MRAs, secular white supremacists. Anita Sarkeesian wins the next American election against Sam Harris and Paul Elam. Gary Mosher’s Efilist Party polls at 0.03%.
Big red button- When pressed, this button makes a satisfying “shhhhffffffff” sound which very slightly, but absolutely permanently, raises the baseline happiness level of the person who pressed the button.
Highlighter yellow button- When pressed, every single person who has ever mixed up there use of “their” and “there,” or ever used unnecessary apostrophe’s, is erased from existence.
Beige button- There is a train without a driver going down the tracks. Ahead, there are four people tied up and unable to move. One of them is a single mother of five children, one of which may grow up to discover a cure for cancer and another will almost definitely grow up to be an antinatalist. One of them is a sociopath who has already killed three dogs and will probably be in jail for most of his life. One of them is a high-ranking bureaucrat in the IMF. And one of them is a young nurse who helps save lives, but will probably have at least two children. When the button is pressed, the train will switch to a different track, where one person is tied up. This person is a firefighter who takes care of shelter puppies in his free time, counsels young people in using contraception effectively, and there is a good chance that he will help save a specific person who will end up being an influential figure in a successful anti-war movement, saving tens of thousands of lives. If you do not press the button, you will not be held legally responsible for the death of the four people, but if you do press the button, you will be held partially (say, 5%) legally responsible for the death of the one person. The nurse is engaged to one of your friends, and you would feel a moderate amount of guilt if you saw her die, especially around your friend. Furthermore, while the train is driverless, a person has been tied up in the driver’s compartment and will see everything that happens, and will be far more traumatized if they see four people get killed than if they see one person get killed.
Puce button- When a person’s finger comes within 4.2 microns of the surface of this button, that person will, from that point forward, no longer be capable of pushing any buttons, including the puce button. This button was invented by a race of aliens who were tired of seeing their dimension getting constantly and massively changed by people pressing existential buttons.
Serenity colored button- When pressed, no one will ever ask an antinatalist “if you hate life so much, why don’t you just kill yourself?” ever again.