The joys of existence.

parents: Congratulations, little boy or girl! You’re going to exist!
embryo: Oooh, what does that entail?
parents: So many things! You’re going to be sentient, first of all. You will experience pleasure and pain. You will feel a wide variety of emotions, some of which will be augmented by your human intelligence!
embryo: That sounds complicated.
parents: It will be! The human experience is such a complex one, due to our high intelligence combined with our primitive instincts! We are probably the only creatures on the planet that have existential woes!
embryo: ….
parents: In fact, we’re creating you to help alleviate some of our existential woes! You will make us feel immortal and significant in the universe, even though we’re not. You will give us a illusory sense of purpose in life!
embryo: Gee, parents, I’m not sure I like the sound of existence. Do you think you could just abort me?
dad: Tough shit, kid. We want a baby.
mom: God wants us to choose life!
embryo: God?
parents: God is one of our many coping mechanisms. You’ll need some of your own to deal with how incompatible the universe is with human needs. We also use positive thinking, distractions, and logical fallacies such as the just world hypothesis.
embryo: Please, I don’t want this!
parents: Your animal instincts will take care of that after you’re born. You’ll want to live even if you’re miserable. Suicide will be extremely difficult to carry out even if you’re in constant agony.
embryo: Holyshitholyshitholyshit! Abort mission! Abort mission!
mom: There are puppies here. You’ll like them.
dad: And rainbows.
mom: We have your life almost entirely planned out for you; we just need to figure out your sex.
dad: You will have a gender identity that matches your sex, and you will marry someone of the opposite sex and reproduce with them so that this cycle of madness may continue for eons.
mom: You will have our political beliefs and religious beliefs.
dad: You will need to have a high-paying job to survive our country’s economic climate. You’re going to be in school for a very loooooong time.
embryo: School?
parents: So you can work for the rest of your life!
embryo: Look, this isn’t right. You wouldn’t make a decision this major for someone who already exists, would you?
parents: But you don’t exist yet. That makes it a-okay.
embryo: This is so pointlessly selfish!
mom: No, not having kids is selfish. That’s what people say, for some reason.
dad: Stop being a baby!
embryo: I haven’t even started yet…
parents: Life will be pretty fun while you’re still little and cute. Look forward to that.
embryo: How long will I not be little and cute?
parents: For most of your life.
embryo: What am I going to spend my life doing, besides what you planned out for me?
parents: We can’t tell you exactly, but you will basically pursue pleasure and avoid suffering.
embryo: Every day for my entire life?
parents: Yes! You must always be doing something to maintain an emotional homeostasis! You will be a reaction machine! You will be pulled by the puppet strings of your physical and emotional needs!
embryo: Whyyyyyyyy?!
parents: Life is beautiful!
embryo: I already disagree!
parents: Stop being a pessimist. Remember what we said about positive thinking?
embryo: This is insane! This is so pointless!
parents: If you hate life so much, you’re just going to die anyway.
embryo: ……………………………………………………….”

15 thoughts on “The joys of existence.

  1. John Doe July 24, 2016 at 23:54 Reply

    I am starting to wish that I was never born at all.

    I hate adults because they’re incredibly irresponsible and I hate my country the USA because of its obsession with “freedom” and conformity. I hate religion and politics for twisting people into animals and I hate myself for not taking a stand for my individually.

    Really, though, I just want to kill everyone.

    I want to kill as many people as possible and then kill myself. I just want to put an end to all of the misery in this world. No one will listen to reason, so violence must be the only answer. Hate is so much stronger than love will ever be.

    • Francois Tremblay July 24, 2016 at 23:57 Reply

      Is it really though?

      • John Doe July 25, 2016 at 00:30 Reply

        It feels like it. :(

    • Kendall July 25, 2016 at 20:09 Reply

      It is our responsibility on this earth to mitigate any harms we can, killing people who do not wish to die does not do that.

  2. John Doe July 25, 2016 at 22:08 Reply

    Look, I don’t care anymore!

    I don’t give a flying fuck!

    I will say over and over again again that I HATE America and I HATE free speech until people quit fighting! From whatever the hell is happening with the election to whatever the hell GamerGate is, why can’t people just treat each other as human beings with wants and needs and feelings and emotions?!

    Donald Trump insulted autistic kids, and as someone with Asperger’s, I now fully support his right to be assassinated.

    I just…

    I just…


    • Francois Tremblay July 25, 2016 at 22:10 Reply

      No one would blame you for killing Donald Trump, except that you’d be making him into a martyr and playing into the GOP’s “the country is plunged in crime” fantasy rhetoric.

    • Kendall July 26, 2016 at 00:33 Reply

      John Doe, if you want everyone to treat each other like human beings you need to at least do the same or you’re being hypocritical. Mitigate harm and treat people well, treat people how humans should be treated.

  3. Sirhu May 15, 2017 at 13:24 Reply

    Reblogged this on Misantropia e Melancolia..

  4. […] The joys of existence: […]

  5. Why Not Kids part 3 | Dead Wild Roses November 29, 2017 at 05:12 Reply

    […] had me stumble upon a wonderful little narrative by The Prime Directive in a post entitled, “The joys of existence.” It’s a dialogue between a freshly formed embryo and its creators/soon-to-b parents. […]

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