The Adventures of Space Fetus!!!

Hello? Can anyone hear me?

Sweet… this interstellar radio set the Zebulons gave me is working! I have an audio link to Earth!

Okay, let me tell you what’s going on over here. I’m Space Fetus and I’m orbiting a sun about 7000 light years away from you. I have no sense of time, since I’m, you know, a fetus, but I’ve been floating about for eons basically. And you know what I think about?

Ice cream.

I know you humans get a lot of delight from ice cream. I also know there’s a lot of flavors of ice cream: there’s vanilla, strawberry, Neapolitan, spumoni, moose tracks, mint chocolate chip, cookies and cream, rocky road, and all sorts of other, more complex, more delicious flavors. I want ice cream. I am really, really deprived from not eating ice cream. Because even though I don’t have taste buds, or really any experience in eating anything at all, my non-existence is somehow accompanied by a deep craving for ice cream. And I can’t have any. Because I haven’t been born yet.

See, the thing is, when two of you humans of a different sex fuck, and women get pregnant, one of us space fetuses gets immediately transported into their womb through a process of particle entanglement. It’s real complicated, but basically we need you people to get pregnant so we can be born. Until then, all we can do is float around, and be deprived of all the things that you people who have been born take for granted. Because even though we’re not developed enough to, you know, think, or speak, or really do anything except piss ourselves, we still feel really deprived that we can’t eat any ice cream.

Why ice cream? I couldn’t tell you why exactly. I mean, there’s so many things we’re being deprived of by not existing: sunrises and sunsets, a good movie, love, a hot meal, and so on. But for some reason the biggest thing we feel deprived of is ice cream. Don’t ask me how space fetuses work: I’m no scientist, just a space fetus. What I really need right now is to be born. I know that you people are fucking a lot, but it’s clearly not enough. There are still billions of us floating around, suffering because we don’t have ice cream. That’s a lot of suffering we’re going through.

So here’s what we need you people on Earth to do. You need to start taking procreation more seriously. I mean, you need to start fucking a lot more often, without contraception. All this contraception is preventing us from coming into existence. You also need to stop that abortion shit. Abortion is really just adding insult to injury. We wait all these months to finally come out and eat some ice cream, and you cruelly take our chance away! We’re sucked back into space to wait for more eons. Fuck abortion. It really sucks. Literally.

Most importantly, have sex at any occasion you can. Cheat on your spouse! Men, rape women if you have to! You should be always either having sex or trying to have sex! Also, please stop fucking each other in the ass. Vaginal sex only.

Are you fucking yet?

Now, the Quiverfull, there’s some good people. They know where it’s at: having as many children as humanly possible. But they have this bizarre, outmoded belief system that tells them the family is the most important value in the world. That’s absolutely ridiculous and gets in the way of them having even more children. If every Quiverfull man cheated on their wives and had children with other women too, we could get even more of us into existence. So they’re really dropping the ball on that one. Also, they refuse to marry their daughters as young as possible. This is a huge problem, because those daughters could be popping out even more of us instead of just staying at home and being good daughters.

Listen, I’m not saying anything unreasonable or sexist. I’m just saying women should be passive receptacles for sperm, so that they may always be in the way of giving birth to someone. That someone hopefully being me. It’s just not fair. How come you get to eat ice cream and not me? You should be ready to sacrifice your life for my sake if you have to. So don’t give me some sob stories about women dying in childbirth. I’ve been suffering from deprivation for thousands of years, so my suffering outweighs your suffering any day of the week!

I’m not saying that you have to devote your entire lives to me or anything. Men obviously should be spreading their seed constantly, but in between fuckings they could do other stuff, like take care of their many children. Pregnant women would also have free time to take care of their other children as well. So it’s not entirely bleak. Don’t you people like having sex? How hard can this be?

Have some pity on me. You people can have ice cream any time you want. And gelato, milkshakes, sorbets, tartufo, ice cream sandwiches, and Baked Alaskas. In between fucking and inseminations, you can have as much of it as you want. Don’t you want to give me the chance to have some too? Please… just start fucking now. I’m so hungry…

5 thoughts on “The Adventures of Space Fetus!!!

  1. sbt42 August 12, 2016 at 05:27 Reply

    HOW DARE YOU DEPRIVE THE NONEXISTENT OF THE JOY THAT IS ICE CREAM.

  2. Pauline August 12, 2016 at 18:38 Reply

    Francois,

    I hope you don’t mind this off topic question.

    What is the point of life if one has a low IQ?

    I’m just not seeing the purpose, unless of course one believes in the theory of multiple intelligence, which I feel was devised as a crutch to make people feel better about themselves. It just seems to me that I have a harder time processing information than others and have to work extremely hard to excel in areas where others are naturally gifted. People at my job and many of my peers in day to day life see me as mentally slow in many areas (at times like a moron) and the thing is, I don’t disagree with that statement.

    Knowing that most people I meet on a day to day basis are much more intelligent than I am is just an extremely daunting thought and holds me back from pursuing anything anymore. I’m also a High School dropout which doesn’t help my case.

    Genetics are just a very hard pill to swallow for me. It really almost seems unfair that some people are born much more gifted than others but I guess without that diversity, life would be boring. I’ve taken the standard WAIS IQ test and it turns out that I’m just of an average / low average intellect which pains me.

    Thanks.

    • Francois Tremblay August 13, 2016 at 00:21 Reply

      “What is the point of life if one has a low IQ?”

      You could have stopped at “life.” :)

      “Knowing that most people I meet on a day to day basis are much more intelligent than I am ”

      IQ is not a measure of intelligence. IQ is a measure of how well you do at IQ tests. Nothing more, nothing less. Yes, it is significant in its broad lines, but it’s not an accurate measure of intelligence by any means.

  3. John Doe August 13, 2016 at 21:19 Reply

    Look, I know that you are getting really sick of this, but this is probably the only place where I can vent out my frustrations. With every single new news report about the right wing and the new lows that they are willing to sink to, my emotion levels fly to the sky. I know that I’ve become a huge broken record at this point but I can’t go a step without venting out.

    I need to let you or someone know that I am proud to HATE my nation and everything it stands for. America is so evil that I actually pray for a force from the middle east or somewhere to come over here and bomb the ever loving fuck out of us. They deserve to have their vengeance exacted upon us for what we have done to them over the decades. Blacks, women, Hispanics, LGBT’s, autistics, and Muslims all deserve to hate America for what it has done to them.

    I hate freedom of speech and I hate all who advocate it, it is so insulting to human intelligence. I hate this country and all those who support it, it’s a rotten piss-ant piece of land and I am happy to turn my back on it. I hate GamerGate and all of the people who are fighting against the right for non-white, non-male, non-straight, non-cisses to be represented. I exist, God fuck it, and every right wing politician that has fought for my rights to be taken away so that I may not live as I choose individually and how I was born, these people do not have the so-called right to free speech. The only right they have is to die the worst kind of death imaginable.

    Please forgive me as my Asperger’s makes me kind of an attention seeker. As an autistic LGBT and even as someone who was raised Catholic, believe it or not, I have been exposed to hatred ever since I was a toddler. Yes, Christians have hated on me for being Catholic.

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