More things that make you go hmmmm… on the similarities between abusers and MRAs

More quotes from Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft, which reminds me pretty heavily of MRA behavior…

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* He has negative attitudes towards women.

A man may claim early in a relationship that he views you in a light different from that in which he sees women in general, but the distinction won’t last. If you are a woman, why be involved with someone who sees women as inferior, stupid, conniving, or only good for sex? He isn’t going to forget for long that you’re a woman.

Stereotyped beliefs about women’s sex roles also contribute to the risk of abuse. His conviction that women should take care of the home, or that a man’s career is more important than a woman’s, can become a serious problem, because he may punish you when you start refusing to live in his box.
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In a typical abusive inversion, my clients often attempt to convince me that they are the sexual victims in their relationships. As one man said: “My partner uses sex to control me, that’s how women jerk men around. Women are the ones that really have the power over men because they know they have what we want the most, and they have the power to shut us out. My wife wants me to be her little puppy dog, begging and drooling and wagging my tail, that’s the only way I’ll get sex.” The underlying attitude comes bursting out of his words: He believes his wife is keeping something of his away from him when she doesn’t want intimate contact. He sees sexual rights to a woman as akin to mineral rights to land- and he owns them.
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Over the years I have had many clients use… sociobiological arguments with me, saying that from a genetics standpoint males have reason to desire sex with as many females as possible, while females succeed best- in evolutionary terms- if they choose their partners carefully. You might call this the “human beings are basically baboons” argument. In reality there are plenty of examples of stable monogamy in nature. But these arguments are ultimately beside the point; there is simply no excuse for double standards or for any other aspect of abuse. (I sometimes ask my clients, when they attempt tom lead me into this theoretical quagmire, “Do you cook your meat before you eat it?” When they answer that of course they do, I say “Isn’t that awfully unnatural? I’ve never seen any other animal doing such a peculiar thing.” Human behavior can only be measured by human standards.”
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Children sometimes see the abuse for what it is and take whatever steps they can to protect themselves, each other, and their mother, including perhaps disclosing the abuser’s treatment of her (or of them) to outsiders. The abusive man’s typical response to this is to claim that the mother is turning the children against him. Some prominent psychologists have, unfortunately, contributed through their writings to the myth that it is unhealthy for children to distance themselves from an abusive father and that the mother is probably the cause of their desire to do so…

I have noticed that charges of “parental alienation” are sometimes leveled against the most competent mothers, because of their strong and supportive bonds with their children- which the abuser terms enmeshment or overdependence- and because the children have learned to see through the abuser’s facade and therefore choose to try to keep away from him…

Abusive men also assert falsely that there is a rampant problem of women’s false allegations of abuse, that child support obligations are unfairly high, that domestic abuse is irrelevant to custody decisions, and that men are abused in relationships just as much as women.
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2 thoughts on “More things that make you go hmmmm… on the similarities between abusers and MRAs

  1. sellmaeth August 24, 2016 at 07:49 Reply

    The interesting question is, what are the differences between MRA ideology and domestic violence? Are there any? MRA is an attempt at gaslighting of ALL women, the ideology promotes physical violence against ALL women, and aims to erode the self-esteem of ALL women.
    It’s just domestic violence taken to another level, isn’t it? Or, perhaps more precisely, it creates an environment that enables individual men to commit domestic violence.

    But then, I also don’t see much of a difference between this MRA shit and traditional patriarchy propaganda. Same shit, new label. They just added gaslighting, traditional patriarchy at least used to admit that they oppress women.

    • Francois Tremblay August 24, 2016 at 14:35 Reply

      “The interesting question is, what are the differences between MRA ideology and domestic violence? ”

      As I go through the book, that question is becoming more and more present in my mind. What is the difference? Is MRA ideology just a compilation of rationalizations for mistreating women, “abuser-think”? It sure is starting to look like it.

      “MRA is an attempt at gaslighting of ALL women, the ideology promotes physical violence against ALL women, and aims to erode the self-esteem of ALL women. It’s just domestic violence taken to another level, isn’t it? ”

      Pretty much! It’s no wonder that PUAs, professional rapists, are part of that whole circus.

      It’s all about, women are responsible for everything wrong in society, women are duplicitous and cunning, women are taking over society and trampling over men’s rights, etc etc. All rationalizations used by abusers.

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