A new, exciting play: Agency Man Saves Women.

Theater is having a sort of renewal right now, especially with the influx of Hollywood franchises and talent. However, the indie theater is also doing well. Since this is relevant to my interests on this blog, I wanted to transcribe for you a little bit of a new play that is probably going to be a big hit. It’s called Agency Man Saves Women, and is a really wonderful story about agency, being personified into this superhero-type character, saves women who are in precarious situations. Have a read.

***

(A dilapidated room in the basement of a house. There are naked women posters, sexual paraphernalia, and torture equipment all over the walls. Upstage left, a desk with a computer open to a porn site and various recording equipment. Center, Gloria is lying down on a bare mattress and shackled to a post behind the mattress, struggling. She is still wearing her streetwalking clothes. To the left, there is a camera on a tripod aimed at the mattress.)

GLORIA
Help! Someone help! Anybody! HELP!

(Gloria continues to struggle for a few seconds, then AGENCY MAN appears from right and walks to Gloria, who is surprised.)

AGENCY MAN
Ah, do not fret! AGENCY MAN is here! I will “save” you from this predicament!

GLORIA
AGENCY MAN! Get me out of here!

AGENCY MAN
No.

GLORIA
WHAT?

AGENCY MAN
That’s not what I’m here for at all. Getting you out of here? That’s nonsense.

GLORIA
But you gotta get me out! I’ve been kidnapped by this john, and he’s gonna rape me on film!

AGENCY MAN
Whoa there, let me correct you. What you’re talking about is porn. Women voluntarily participate in porn of their own free will, and I feel that you’re insulting their choices by associating porn with rape. Having sex on camera is not rape.

GLORIA
I don’t give a shit! I didn’t choose to be here!

AGENCY MAN
(Laughing.)
So you’re saying that you don’t have agency? That doesn’t make any sense! You chose to be a sex worker, and you’re going to have sex.

GLORIA
He’s going to rape me!

AGENCY MAN
(Very serious.)
Are you denying the choices of sex workers to be in porn shoots?

GLORIA
NO! I just want you to get me out of here!

AGENCY MAN
That’s not what I’m here for. I’m here to stop you from disempowering yourself. You are a human being with the capacity to choose. You should never forget that. You should celebrate your agency, not scream against it. You are a strong woman, and I hear you roar!

GLORIA
I’M ROARING BECAUSE I WANT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

AGENCY MAN
I feel like you’re muddling the line between prostitution and sex trafficking. You’re not from another country, so it’s really not a big deal. In this economy, you should thank God you have a job that makes this much money.

GLORIA
I don’t want to be a prostitute, I just need the cash! And I don’t want to be here!

AGENCY MAN
First of all, it’s “sex worker,” not prostitute. Using the correct term is very important. It seems to me that you just don’t care about your fellow sex workers. You’re not one of those SWERFs, are you? Because if you are, forget about me ever reblogging you.

GLORIA
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? WHAT THE FUCK IS A SWERF?

AGENCY MAN
It means Sex Worker Exclusionary Radical Feminist. One of those old, hairy, ugly feminists who are against sex workers. You don’t look old, hairy or ugly, so you must not be one. They are all really bitter that they aren’t pretty enough to be successful sex workers, so they turn against them. Typical female jealousy. All they talk about is how sex workers are not safe, saying that “if sex work is a form of work, then why don’t work safety laws apply to it too?”, talking about how women’s choices are influenced by this or that factor, that sort of bullshit. They hate the fact that women can choose to do sex work so they attack their agency… which is silly because we all have agency! And that’s why-

GLORIA
Shut the fuck up and help me! I am a victim of kidnapping! Get me outta here!

AGENCY MAN
HEY! I told you to watch your language.

GLORIA
WHAT?? WHAT DID I SAY?

AGENCY MAN
We don’t say the v-word. That’s a denial of agency. You’re not a v-word, you’re a thriver.

GLORIA
I’M NOT GONNA BE A FUCKING THRIVER IF YOU DON’T HELP ME GET OUT!

AGENCY MAN
(Ignoring what Gloria just said.)
As for the “kidnapping” part, well, obviously kidnapping is not a good thing. But that’s why we need to legalize sex work. Legalization will allow women to make their choices without the threat of getting arrested hanging over them. But you know, from a sex work standpoint, it’s not kidnapping. Your body is a tool of production, so really this is just workplace pilfering, like an office worker stealing a stapler or some pens. It’s not that big of a deal.
(A loud noise comes from off right, both Gloria and Agency Man look in that direction while Agency Man says the next two lines.)
Well, it seems like your performance is about to begin. I’m going to leave now.

GLORIA
WAIT! YOU WERE GOING TO SAVE ME!

AGENCY MAN
That’s right, and I did. I saved you from being disempowered. Now you know that you have the agency needed to do whatever you want to do. If you want to free yourself from this situation, simply negotiate terms with your john. That’s how workplace disputes are resolved. Also, you really need to read more about feminism, real feminism, not the hairy man-hating kind of feminism, which is misandry and just as bad as misogyny. There’s no need to hate anyone in this world. Remember, you have agency, you are empowered. Make the choices YOU want to make. Also, I just want to say, I love women. I’m glad I was able to be a small part of your process. Goodbye!

(Agency Man exits stage left while Gloria struggles vigorously and footsteps can be heard coming from off right.)

***

This reads like a great play. I heard they’re trying to get Lin-Manuel Miranda to play Agency Man. I’m sure it’s gonna be the next Hamilton.

6 thoughts on “A new, exciting play: Agency Man Saves Women.

  1. John Doe September 15, 2016 at 22:29 Reply

    I’ve been doing some reading into post-modernism and listening to this one guy talk about objective reality, and I think I have a question. Isn’t it about time we started going on the offensive and bashing the truth into people’s heads?

    I have ranted against America’s fetish with freedom and we’ve all seen what that subjectivity can do. It’s led to people killing each other over what way is the moral way but nobody wants to hear it because opinion entitlement and free speech. I was in a group therapy session a while ago and this one vulgar stoner thought he could school everyone after I suggested that there is simply too much hatred and conformity in the world.

    I’m probably talking out of my anus, but you understand me, right?

    • Francois Tremblay September 15, 2016 at 22:30 Reply

      Believe me, I’m trying to bash the truth into people’s heads. :)

      • John Doe September 16, 2016 at 09:37 Reply

        I needed to vent out my anger somewhere and I got a less than stellar response. As an Aspie who questions his sexuality, I’m tired of being offended over things that I can’t control. I’m always a comedic punchline and I’m always being targeted by the media. I’m desperately looking for a way to break the cycle.

        • turncoatArbitrator September 16, 2016 at 23:49 Reply

          Not super on topic, but I’m glad you said this:

          “As an Aspie who questions his sexuality, I’m tired of being offended over things that I can’t control. I’m always a comedic punchline and I’m always being targeted by the media. I’m desperately looking for a way to break the cycle.”

          Thank you! I thought I was the only one. I don’t have Aspergers but I absolutely hate being made to feel like shit because I get offended. It’s exhausting and it’s not like I can control how I feel!!!!

          I suppose in a round about way it does tie into this whole “agency” thing. There are some things you just can’t control and that needs to be accepted, rather than buzzed over with an endless din of “Agency free choice don’t make me feel bad about being a dick to you you fascist”.

          This scene is brilliant by the way, Francois Tremblay. Thanks for writing and sharing! Horrifying but funny in its absurd reflection of reality.

          And I really like Gloria. I kind of hope to see her again somewhere on this site, after she escaped when her kidnapper had a sudden heart attack halfway down the stairs.

          • Francois Tremblay September 17, 2016 at 00:05 Reply

            Hahaha! No, but there will be a sequel. (I already wrote it)

  2. purplesagefem September 17, 2016 at 06:57 Reply

    Yeah, that’s how ridiculous the “agency” people sound.

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