Customer complaint for capitalism.

A customer enters a store and goes up to the desk.

Customer: Hello there, I’d like an exchange please.

Owner: We don’t do exchanges. All sales are final.

Customer: Now listen here, you simply have got to take responsibility for this faulty product. It’s illegal, is what it is.

Owner: Well, what is it then?

Customer: It’s this capitalism. I’ve had it for more than two hundred years, and it’s not working.

Owner: What do you mean it’s not working. It looks fine to me. Isn’t it producing?

Customer: Oh yes, it’s producing a great deal of stuff and things, but the distribution system is broken, and it all pools at the top.

Owner: Oh, that’s not broken, that’s a feature.

Customer: (outraged) A feature? A feature? How can that be a feature?

Owner: Well, you only need the stuff at the top, since that’s the only part that really does anything.

Customer: But the top part doesn’t actually produce anything, it just makes the rest of the machine produce things and then takes the credit for it. This is completely broken. Also, when it produces, it’s polluting as hell and it’s really loud.

Owner: Have you tried painting it green?

Customer: What??

Owner: Have you tried painting it green?

Customer: How is that gonna change anything?

Owner: Well, a fresh coat of green would make it look a lot better. It wouldn’t LOOK broken.

Customer: But that’ll just give me a broken machine with green paint on it.

Owner: Yea well, what can you do? We’re the only game in town.

Customer: That’s not true, there was another outfit that had to cut down in the nineties, but they’re still open. They have a different economy. There’s also theoretical models that have been tested piecemeal in other places.

Owner: Hah! You’re gonna rely on a discredited model or some theoretical model that’s probably gonna collapse on you? Just accept this capitalism.

Customer: No, it’s broken! I want my money back!

Owner: Look, I can sell you this green paint.

Customer: How much is it?

Owner: 44 trillion dollars.

Customer: WHAT? I don’t have that kind of money.

Owner: Well you bought the capitalism, you gotta pay for the paint. It’s like airline fees.

Customer: I don’t like those either!

Owner: Yea but… you’re stuck now. You have to pay the 44 trillions or your capitalism will stay broken.

Customer: What about adding some failsafes? Like a more even distribution of stuff, or making less stuff so we can have less pollution?

Owner: You can’t do that without breaking the property rights gauge.

Customer: So what? Break the gauge.

Owner: If you break the gauge, you void the warranty.

Customer: I don’t care, we need some failsafes in there.

Owner: Can’t do that. If you break the gauge, you void the warranty.

Customer: But what about the fact-

Owner: You break the gauge, you void the warranty.

Customer: They’re doing it in other places.

Owner: Their warranties are expired. If their capitalism breaks, it’s entirely their fault. The capitalism works perfectly well with the property gauge. Anything else is suboptimal.

Customer: Suboptimal for what?

Owner: For the property gauge.

Customer: Who the fuck cares about the fucking property gauge? I want you to fix this capitalism.

Owner: The property gauge says it’s working perfectly fine. The distribution and pollution are at optimal levels.

Customer: And why are almost all the couplings leading to the top white and male connectors?

Owner: That’s a coincidence.

Customer: What do you mean, it’s a coincidence? Whoever put this machine together connected the top with the white and male connectors. The blueprint itself specifies that there could ONLY be white and male connectors at the top.

Owner: Oh sure, but there are some connectors that aren’t white or male at the top now, so what are you whining about? It’s working.

Customer: It’s only “working” because it was so bad when it was made that any improvement looks better!

Owner: Well, you’re totally wrong. There are no other products. And breaking the property gauge would break the warranty. I’m gonna have to call the police.

Customer: Call the police? What do you want to call the police for? I’m just trying to get an exchange.

Owner: You’re being uppity.

Customer: I’m not being uppity, you’re being uppity!

Owner: I’m a respectable professional. You shouldn’t talk to me like that.

Customer: Well listen now, we can talk like reasonable people and…

Two policemen in riot gear bash through the door and start tasering and beating on the customer.

Owner: (smug) He tried to break the warranty! I told him!

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