Agency Man Fights The Wingnut.

A while ago, I posted a bit from an exciting new play called Agency Man Saves Women. It’s been a huge hit, and there’s a sequel in the works called Agency Man Fights The Wingnut. I’ve had the privilege of reading it, and it’s a great play, almost as good as the original in my opinion. I hope you enjoy this passage.

***

(A political campaign call center. Brock Stone, wearing a tailored suit, is standing in the middle of the room, looking at some documents. There are many tables, chairs and phones. There are “BROCK STONE FOR PRESIDENT” posters on the walls. AGENCY MAN appears from the right.)

AGENCY MAN
AGENCY MAN is here!

BROCK STONE
Hmmm? Who are you and what are you doing here? I don’t know who you think you are, but this is not the circus.

AGENCY MAN
I’ve come to put an end to your reign of terror!

BROCK STONE
Reign of… what are you talking about? Is this about my affair? Because I publicly stated that-

AGENCY MAN
This is not about any affair! I am here to stop you from winning the election. You have stated that you would like to make assault weapons legal across the board. Spreading more guns is not the solution!

BROCK STONE
What, are you accusing me of being some kind of crazed shooter? Because that’s slander. I have never shot anyone.

AGENCY MAN
No, I am not criticizing you as a person, I am pointing out that there’s a systemic bias towards-

BROCK STONE
Stop attacking my choices! I choose to own a gun and that’s my own personal decision! Are you saying I can’t make decisions about my own life?

AGENCY MAN
(confused) I… what? No, I’m not saying you can’t make decisions about your own life. It’s just a fact that having more guns makes all our lives less safe.

BROCK STONE
What are you saying? That we’re all murderers? Because the vast majority of gun owners are upstanding citizens who don’t go around shooting people.

AGENCY MAN
Yes, yes, but my point is, guns themselves, not people, but the guns themselves, are the problem.

BROCK STONE
That’s stupid. Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. Like I said, most guns are not used to kill people.

AGENCY MAN
Yes, but having guns around gives criminals more incentive to kill more people.

BROCK STONE
So basically you’re saying gun owners have no agency of their own? That’s pretty bigoted. We choose to bear arms, and criminals choose to kill people. That has nothing to do with whether there are more or fewer guns around. Agency is irreducible.

AGENCY MAN
(even more confused) Well, yes, I totally agree. But your agency is bad because it’s killing people.

BROCK STONE
What do you mean, my agency is bad? Aren’t you AGENCY MAN? Aren’t you supposed to stand for everyone’s agency? And if our choice of owning guns is bad because it kills people, what about your support of prostitution, which kills women and gives women PTSD at a higher rate than any other occupation?

AGENCY MAN
Well, that’s um different because um you see… sex workers have agency and um… empowerment…

BROCK STONE
How is it not empowering for me to own a gun and be able to defend myself?

AGENCY MAN
We just live in a gun culture. We need to change the conversation.

BROCK STONE
Excuse me? I am a proud American and guns have been a part of my culture ever since the Revolutionary War, sir. That’s more than 240 years of my culture you’re trying to erase. Are you saying your culture is somehow better than my culture?

AGENCY MAN
If it has guns in it, yes…

BROCK STONE
What right do you have to tell me your culture is better than mine? What are you, some kind of imperialist scum? You need to shut the fuck up and leave people of my culture to talk about these issues. You have no ground to stand on.

AGENCY MAN
I’m an American, just like you. We’re in the same culture.

BROCK STONE
I’ll believe it when I see your long-form birth certificate. Anyway, guns are a part of our culture, and if you deny the importance of guns, you’re not really part of my culture.

AGENCY MAN
Buh… but the abuse of guns victimizes people! It can’t be right to make innocent people victims of your culture!

BROCK STONE
No, what victimizes people is dirty liberals like you who want to take away our guns. If everyone had guns, we’d all be empowered to defend ourselves whenever necessary. By taking away guns, you’re the one who’s literally turning people into victims, by denying their agency and taking away their ability to choose to defend themselves! I’m saying everyone should be empowered to make those choices for themselves. And if they choose badly, then we’re all empowered to do something about it. By denying people’s agency, you’re basically saying that you know better than all of them, that you can save them from the baaaad guns, and that they’re incapable of doing that for themselves. That’s fucked up! What gives you the right to treat everyone around you like that? I’m really tired of your personal attacks against myself and honest citizens who own guns. Why do you hate us so much? Is it because you can’t afford a gun, or you don’t know how to shoot, that you feel like you have to take it out on us? Are you jealous of people who are able to defend themselves? Is that why you prance around in tights and attack other people’s choices? Your bigotry and intolerance will not win. We are empowered and we are free. Assault weapons will be legalized everywhere, it’s just a matter of time. And then we’ll all be safe! Stop being a Firearms-Exclusionary Elitist Liberal, Agency Man, for you are on the wrong side of history!

AGENCY MAN
Buh… guh…

(BROCK STONE shoots AGENCY MAN in the head with an AK-47.)

3 thoughts on “Agency Man Fights The Wingnut.

  1. John Doe November 20, 2016 at 21:32 Reply

    I fail to see how caring about the well-being of your fellow man should award me the label of liberal. I fail to see the point of a political spectrum entirely.

    • pamelaofmelbourne November 21, 2016 at 03:36 Reply

      Liberals are people who believe that anything goes and that everything is a matter of choice, except guns (and weight loss, people who choose to lose weight are suffering from fat shame). This dialogue exposes the inconsistency of liberalism (in so far as we’re talking about typical liberal positions which include being for the sexual exploitation of women and against guns).

      • Francois Tremblay November 21, 2016 at 04:10 Reply

        Thank you. :)
        It’s meant specifically to attack “agency,” but liberalism in general applies very well too.

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