from: Bolger Green <email@example.com>
date: Sun, Jan 22, 2017 at 12:57 AM
subject: Welcome to the Institute- please read
Greetings, new hires, and welcome to the Institute of Baraminology! I wish I could meet you in person, but I have unfortunately been detained in the Congo (DRC) due to some diplomatic mishap while doing the Lord’s work. With the continued prayers of everyone at the Institute, the Lord will no doubt grant my safe return whenever He wills it. But in the meantime, as a substitute for my presence, I am sending you this welcome email (or as Shirley in Accounting calls emails, little parcels of joy from the Baby Jesus). I look forward to speaking to you in person.
While you work at the Institute, you may need to use mathematics, so keep your trigonometry lessons in mind. Remember that Jesus died for your SINs! Ha ha ha. A little joke there. This job is very serious, but we do allow ourselves a little levity from time to time. But please do not laugh out loud when you read this, for it disturbs Jebediah the intern. He’s not quite right in the head, the poor lad, but he walks in the Lord’s Grace all the same. Do try to only tell jokes when he is not present.
First, let me thank you for choosing the Institute of Baraminology to pursue your career in Creation Science. We are the premier Creationist research institution in the United States. As you may know, we are most famous for inventing the “squinting standard,” widely used by Creation Scientists who work in baraminology today. The standard consists of the following: place a number of animals together, stand at a certain specific distance (our viewing chambers are designed for this purpose, and you will no doubt start using them soon), and squint your eyes precisely so. If the animals all look the same, then they are all of the same Biblical kind (or to use the technical term, they are all monobaramins). If they do not, then they are not part of the same Biblical kind (polybaramins).
Praise the Lord who made the animals alike enough to be not confusing (except for those animals designed by Satan to confuse us, like the duck-billed platypus, the yeti crab, and the star-nosed mole).
As you can imagine, the squinting standard has opened a fertile avenue of research. We have been hard at work these past years re-classifying all animal species from the pseudo-scientific “tree of life” pushed by secular naturalism to the more accurate “mansions of life” model, named after John 14:2 (“In my Father’s house are many mansions”), which clearly refers to the structure of Creation. We call this discontinuity taxonomy, as opposed to the secular taxonomy which is based on an unproven and unscientific belief in the continuity of life through time.
There have been some issues with our use of the standard. Due to their size and/or ferocity, certain animals have been hard to get into a viewing chamber (and they have an unfortunate propensity to eat each other while in the chamber, due to their sinful nature), and our attempts at perfecting a marine chamber have failed so far (the disaster that happened when we tried to visualize a great white shark and a beluga whale together took three weeks to clean up). In an exciting development, however, we have been working on a HTC VIVE-based 3D visualization system to overcome these difficulties.
Dr. Boldwhittle is our resident specialist in the squinting standard. His squinting acumen is beyond reproach, and he will teach you the optimal amount of squinting to obtain satisfactory results using our standard viewing chambers. It is a finely-honed technique, and we find that those who already agree with our statement of faith tend to be better at it than those who don’t.
Talking about that, I hope you remembered to sign your statement of faith before you started your first day. If not, please do it now.
You may think it strange that we have all our researchers sign a statement of faith, even though we do scientific work. But science can only exist because of the uniformity of nature which is the result of God’s orderly plan. We cannot allow anyone who supports the bankrupt naturalistic worldview motivating the modern attacks against God to taint our research with the arrogance of the unsaved. In order to do the work in an open-minded spirit, we ask that you profess your belief in premillennialism, non-triclavianism, and complementarianism (please note that if you bring your saved wife or female family member to the workplace, they will not be allowed in the research areas). We also ask that you profess that Genesis 1 and 2 are not contradictory. If you still see Genesis 1 and 2 as contradictory, please tell Dr. Boldwhittle so he may help you use the squinting standard on these two pieces of scripture (a new and exciting use of the standard he has recently developed to counter the so-called “contradictions” and “paradoxes” in the Holy Bible).
But the research in discontinuity taxonomy is not, by far, the only research we do here at the Institute. We are always working on groundbreaking experiments intelligently designed (as guided by the Holy Spirit) to confirm the truth of Creation and disprove the belief system of Evolutionism. To bring you up to speed on these experiments, here is a short list of the most important ones we’ve conducted so far. If you have any questions about the procedures of results of any experiment, please ask the lead researcher attached to it.
Lead researcher: Dr. Gayweather
Objective: Falsification of the Evolutionary belief that crocodiles evolved directly from rocks, a belief which was exposed by our esteemed colleague Dr. Hovind (who will be out of prison soon, God willing).
Procedure: Subject was a river rock (limestome, 1.2 lb), placed in an airtight transparent container equipped with a temperature sensor (Snapware I-3), on a digital scale (EatSmart, grey), on the table in Observation Room B. Subject was observed in daily ten minute sessions for a month, monitored for weight, temperature, and movement.
Result: Weight and temperature did not change for the duration of the experiment. No signs of movement were reported.
Conclusion: See rock-to-croc in water experiment.
Experiment: Rock-to-croc in water
Lead researcher: Dr. Gayweather
Objective: A flaw was identified by the rock-to-croc experiment report: the rock may be evolving microscopic crocodiles which died immediately because they were not in water. It was decided to repeat the experiment, but by filling the container in water first.
Procedure: Subject was a river rock (limestome, 1.2 lb), placed in an airtight transparent container filled with river water (from nearby Missouri River) and equipped with a temperature sensor (Snapware I-3), on a digital scale (EatSmart, grey), on the table in Observation Room B. Subject was observed in daily ten minute sessions for a month, monitored for weight, temperature, and movement.
Result: Weight and temperature did not change for the duration of the experiment. Movement was reported on day 5: after careful examination, it was revealed that a tadpole was present. Since this was not a crocodile, it was discarded and the experiment was continued. No more movement was reported.
Conclusion: This experiment provides an important disproof of a major tenet of the Evolutionary religion, that life can arise from non-life, such as crocodiles from rocks. While it is possible that the tadpole was generated by the rock, it seems more likely that it came from the river water (which was gathered by Jeremiah the intern), and the Evolutionary religion does not claim any rock-to-tadpole transition. Detailed results will be published in the Journal of Creation (March issue).
Lead researcher: Dr. Sexsmith
Objective: Demonstration of the Genesis account of a woman being created from a male rib.
Procedure: No human rib could be acquired, so one pork rib was acquired from the local grocery store (Dan’s SuperMarket) and stripped of meat (the meat was subsequently placed in the break room with a sign saying “free food!” on it). Subject was placed in an open transparent container (Snapware M-1) on the alter in the Prayer Room. Subject was prayed upon by no less than two (2) researchers on a daily basis for three months, in accordance with Mt 18:19. A picture of a naked woman taken from a popular pornographic web site (xHamster.com) was printed and taped on the container to direct the researchers’ prayers.
Result: There was no change in the rib’s status for the duration of the experiment. A translucent white substance was found on one of the sides of the container on day 23, near the printed image, and was cleaned.
Conclusion: It is assumed that the experiment failed due to the porcine nature of the rib.
Lead researcher: Dr. Sexsmith
Objective: To further the research done in the rib-to-woman experiment.
Procedure: Thanks to a promotion, we were able to acquire a McRib from the local McDonalds. Subject was placed in an open transparent container (Snapware M-1) on the alter in the Prayer Room. Subject was prayed upon by no less than two (2) researchers on a daily basis for three months, in accordance with Mt 18:19.
Result: There was no change in the McRib’s status for the first three (3) days. On day 4, researchers found that the McRib had been removed from its container. No culprit has been found for this interference with a scientific experiment, although Jeremiah the intern was briefly seen with barbecue sauce on his mouth before he ducked into the men’s bathroom.
Conclusion: The experiment was aborted due to the unavailability of further McRibs.
Experiment: Flood fossil pattern
Lead researcher: Dr. Cogdiss
Objective: Demonstrating that the pattern of fossils found by Evolutionists is the result of bone sorting during the Flood.
Procedure: The bones from the skeletons of various animals of varying size and density were acquired from an Internet auction site (eBay.com). Subjects were placed randomly in a large airtight transparent container (Snapware I-4). The container was then filled with mud (acquired from the nearby Missouri River) and shaken vigorously by four strong male researchers for a period of two (2) minutes. The contained was opened and subjects were extracted one by one, with their source noted.
Result: The subjects were roughly ordered by density, in accordance with Archimedes’ principle.
Conclusion: We praise the Lord that He made the laws of the world are so simple that even Archimedes (a heathen who ran around naked like some kind of savage) could discover them.
I hope this gives you a good running start on the research we’ve been doing at the Institute. Remember that experiments are nothing less than the expression of saved mankind grasping the workings of the divine will. You now share this heavy responsibility with all of us. The fate of our country, and perhaps the world, is at stake. Don’t fuck up.
Walk in Christ,
Dr. Green, CEO and Founder of the Institute of Baraminology
See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ. Col 2:8