“We’re bringing pornography into our relationship.”

    June 14

Dear Diary,

Callie and I seem to have hit a lull in our sex life. I don’t understand why she’s not enthusiastic about me putting my dead weight on her and ramming her over and over. I think it’s great. Well, anyway, we’ve talked about it and we’ve decided to bring pornography into our relationship. Pornography should give us some new ideas, as well as renew passion for sexual congress in the both of us. But mostly Callie.

    June 17

Dear Diary,

We’ve had quite an interesting time lately. At first, it started with a slur or a moan hanging in the air, like a bad smell. We kept to ourselves, not wanting to provoke it, just letting it happen naturally. Today we finally had our first manifestation. A naked guy and a naked woman, called Gus and Susie, were in our house all day, just having sex everywhere. They had sex on our dinner table, they had sex in the kitchen, they had sex in the shower, they had sex pretty much everywhere except in the bedroom. Really violent, rough sex. Well, suffice it to say that we had to clean up a LOT of fluids. Where they got it from, I have no idea, but they just kept going at it all day.

While it was a big hassle to trip over them all the time and have to clean up after them, once they were gone, we did have really good sex. So there’s that. I guess pornography does help. We’re going to continue inviting pornography in our relationship and see what happens.

    June 19

Dear Diary,

Well today was a bust (and I don’t mean the boobs kind). We invited pornography in our relationship again. The doorbell rang and we answered it. It was a pizza delivery man. We told him we hadn’t ordered any pizza, but he came in and opened the box. His dick was in it. His dick was in the pizza box. He waggled his eyebrows suggestively. We laughed. It was a funny joke for a few minutes. He kept coming up to us, opening the box, and waggling his eyebrows. But after hours of this, it was getting pretty tiring. It seemed like he got pretty disappointed that we wouldn’t… do anything about it. He became rather dispirited and hid from us in a closet. Eventually, he disappeared.

I hope pornography has something better in store for us next time.

    June 22

Dear Diary,

We invited pornography in our lives. When we got to the kitchen, we saw a woman’s body on the table. We looked at her, and we figured out she was dead. All blue, cold, with the blood pooled at her back. We left the kitchen and didn’t come back. She was gone the next day.

Suffice it to say that our sex life is shit right now.

    July 3

Dear Diary,

After much discussion, we decided to let pornography back into our relationship. We have decided to give it one more chance after the previous fiasco. Pornography is supposed to teach us about how to have better sex. Well, this time, it was even worse. There was a girl, about 15 years old, and she kept screaming about how she was kidnapped and how she was filmed being raped without her consent, and how she wants to go back home to her family. We tried to console her but it was just impossible. She just kept screaming and crying all day. She tried to escape through the front door, but whatever force had brought her here did not allow her to exist outside of our house. We knew she was gone when we stopped hearing her constant crying.

We don’t really want to have sex any more. Pornography is shite.

    July 12

Dear Diary,

Callie did it again. In defiance of our agreement, she let pornography back in. I hate her for doing this to us, after all that pornography has done to our sex life. We can barely look at each other any more. Anyway, she let it in, and then, a woman appeared on our sofa. There was no one else around, but she was definitely choking. Despite the fact that she was choking all day, she never died. She just kept getting choked endlessly. At first, we were really worried, but there was nothing we could do. We got desensitized to it after a while. When she left, we barely noticed it at all.

I really need a divorce…

3 thoughts on ““We’re bringing pornography into our relationship.”

  1. suelyle October 14, 2017 at 23:46 Reply

    Brilliant Francois!

    On Sun, 15 Oct 2017 at 04:16, The Prime Directive wrote:

    > Francois Tremblay posted: “June 14 Dear Diary, Callie and I seem to have > hit a lull in our sex life. I don’t understand why she’s not enthusiastic > about me putting my dead weight on her and ramming her over and over. I > think it’s great. Well, anyway, we’ve talked about it and” >

  2. unabashed October 15, 2017 at 06:03 Reply

    Fabulous short story!

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