I’m giving you a count of three!

Roger, we’ve been friends for thirty years now. I have tolerated quite a lot of your erratic behavior. I have tolerated you not repaying a loan of 10$ which I gave you when you ran out of gas. I have tolerated you speaking back to me in elevated or covertly hostile tones. I have tolerated you criticizing my family members. But now I will tolerate your behavior no longer.

Now you listen to me here! No one cares what you have to say! I tell you what to do and you will do it because I told you to! You are being very disrespectful and I am quite sick of your attitude. You had better stop this right now. I’m giving you a count of three to straighten up your act, otherwise you’re in Big Trouble! ONE… TWO…

Are you calmed down now? Can I continue, or are you gonna keep fussing? You had better listen to what I tell you, or I’ll put you in Time Out. It’s for your own good.

Yes, you gotta go to work. Why? Because I say you have to, that’s why. That’s how the world works. It’s not fair? Well, life is not fair. Get used to it. No one wants to hear your fucking whining. Everyone has to go to work and they like it! Why do you have to stick out? Do you think you’re better than everybody else?

Come over here. I said come over here! ROGER! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE RIGHT NOW! Look at me when I’m talking to you! If you keep whining, I’m not taking you to the bar any more! You’re embarrassing me! Everyone’s looking at you and your bad behavior.

I heard you’ve been misbehaving at work. Your boss told me that you said a swear word. What the fuck is wrong with you? Who taught you that? Not me. Did you get that from one of your friends? That Michael, your friend who works in Sales, is a really bad influence. I told you not to listen to him. He’s a bad person. I forbid you from seeing him any longer. Why? Because I told you to, that’s why!

I don’t know what your problem is today, but you have a bad attitude. Do you want to go in Time Out? I’m giving you five seconds to calm the fuck down.

If you’re bad, Santa Claus won’t give you any gifts this year. He’s gonna skip your house! He’s gonna think, why would I give anything to an ungrateful adult like that? Santa Claus doesn’t like bad adults, it just pisses him off. He sees everything you do. EVERYTHING. Even that one time when you stole one of my macaroons. I forgive you, but Santa doesn’t.

I have to keep you under control so you’ll be a good person in the future. It’s a hard job, you know. And how do you repay me? All you do is sit in front of the television and talk about income tax rates or health insurance premiums. Never a kind word for me, even though I’m the one who takes care of you. Of your future. Making sure you become a happy and productive member of society, instead of a whiner. I need to teach you responsibility, so you’ll be better equipped in the future.

Stop talking to Michael. He’s a bad influence on you. He’s in with the wrong crowd. I don’t care who you like. You will do what I tell you.

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