Category Archives: Joking and Degrading

“We’re bringing pornography into our relationship.”

    June 14

Dear Diary,

Callie and I seem to have hit a lull in our sex life. I don’t understand why she’s not enthusiastic about me putting my dead weight on her and ramming her over and over. I think it’s great. Well, anyway, we’ve talked about it and we’ve decided to bring pornography into our relationship. Pornography should give us some new ideas, as well as renew passion for sexual congress in the both of us. But mostly Callie.

    June 17

Dear Diary,

We’ve had quite an interesting time lately. At first, it started with a slur or a moan hanging in the air, like a bad smell. We kept to ourselves, not wanting to provoke it, just letting it happen naturally. Today we finally had our first manifestation. A naked guy and a naked woman, called Gus and Susie, were in our house all day, just having sex everywhere. They had sex on our dinner table, they had sex in the kitchen, they had sex in the shower, they had sex pretty much everywhere except in the bedroom. Really violent, rough sex. Well, suffice it to say that we had to clean up a LOT of fluids. Where they got it from, I have no idea, but they just kept going at it all day.

While it was a big hassle to trip over them all the time and have to clean up after them, once they were gone, we did have really good sex. So there’s that. I guess pornography does help. We’re going to continue inviting pornography in our relationship and see what happens.

    June 19

Dear Diary,

Well today was a bust (and I don’t mean the boobs kind). We invited pornography in our relationship again. The doorbell rang and we answered it. It was a pizza delivery man. We told him we hadn’t ordered any pizza, but he came in and opened the box. His dick was in it. His dick was in the pizza box. He waggled his eyebrows suggestively. We laughed. It was a funny joke for a few minutes. He kept coming up to us, opening the box, and waggling his eyebrows. But after hours of this, it was getting pretty tiring. It seemed like he got pretty disappointed that we wouldn’t… do anything about it. He became rather dispirited and hid from us in a closet. Eventually, he disappeared.

I hope pornography has something better in store for us next time.

    June 22

Dear Diary,

We invited pornography in our lives. When we got to the kitchen, we saw a woman’s body on the table. We looked at her, and we figured out she was dead. All blue, cold, with the blood pooled at her back. We left the kitchen and didn’t come back. She was gone the next day.

Suffice it to say that our sex life is shit right now.

    July 3

Dear Diary,

After much discussion, we decided to let pornography back into our relationship. We have decided to give it one more chance after the previous fiasco. Pornography is supposed to teach us about how to have better sex. Well, this time, it was even worse. There was a girl, about 15 years old, and she kept screaming about how she was kidnapped and how she was filmed being raped without her consent, and how she wants to go back home to her family. We tried to console her but it was just impossible. She just kept screaming and crying all day. She tried to escape through the front door, but whatever force had brought her here did not allow her to exist outside of our house. We knew she was gone when we stopped hearing her constant crying.

We don’t really want to have sex any more. Pornography is shite.

    July 12

Dear Diary,

Callie did it again. In defiance of our agreement, she let pornography back in. I hate her for doing this to us, after all that pornography has done to our sex life. We can barely look at each other any more. Anyway, she let it in, and then, a woman appeared on our sofa. There was no one else around, but she was definitely choking. Despite the fact that she was choking all day, she never died. She just kept getting choked endlessly. At first, we were really worried, but there was nothing we could do. We got desensitized to it after a while. When she left, we barely noticed it at all.

I really need a divorce…

Choose Your Own Adventure: The TERF Lair

The transgender cult has been making great headway into Western cultures. With the current renewal of Choose Your Own Adventure books online, one enterprising soul has written a CYOA book especially for transgender people. I think this is really powerful stuff, and a great tool to teach children about respecting the wide variety of genders that exist. I’ve published the beginning of the adventure for your enjoyment (sorry I could not copy the instructions and character creation).

***

Before you begin the adventure proper, please check that you have adjusted your attributes based on your PGS (Position on the Gender Spectrum). See the Gender Spectrum on page 3. Also check that you have written down your GITs (Gender Identity Traits) from the table at the bottom of page 3.

Enter 5 in your TERF points box, because everyone has prejudice against transgender people. If you reach a total of 10 TERF points, you become one of the bigoted, slavering monster scum inhabiting the Lair, and your adventure is over.

Now, proceed to paragraph 1.

1

You approach the entrance to the dreaded TERF Lair, an unassuming small square building with thick double doors. A Royal Soldier in full armor and holding a sword guards the entrance to the Lair. As you are a mere adventurer, you will probably not be allowed in. What do you do?
Say “Hello Mr. Soldier, how are you?” – go to 2.
Say “Hello Ms. Soldier, how are you?” – go to 3.
Ask them what their preferred pronouns are – go to 4.

2

The soldier takes on an enraged expression. “How dare you misgender me, you cis scum!” yie screams. “I identify as an agender queer aromatic demisexual!” You have offended the Royal Soldier and yie charges at you. You must fight to the death.

AGENDER ROYAL SOLDIER
preferred pronouns: yie, yey, sheeit
HP: 14, ATK: 1d (hit on 6+), DEF: 4

If you survive the fight, take a penalty of 2 TERF points for misgendering and proceed to 5.

3

The soldier takes on an enraged expression. “How dare you misgender me, you cis scum!” yie screams. “I identify as a furry agender aromantic sapiosexual!” You have offended the Royal Soldier and yie charges at you. You must fight to the death.

AGENDER ROYAL SOLDIER
preferred pronouns: yie, yey, sheeit
HP: 14, ATK: 1d (hit on 6+), DEF: 4

If you survive the fight, take a penalty of 2 TERF points for misgendering and proceed to 5.

4

“Thank you for being so considerate of my feelings,” said the soldier. “My preferred pronouns are yie, yey, and sheeeeeeeit. So few people even bother to ask. Because you’ve made me happy today by acknowledging my innate sense of identity, I will let you pass into the TERF Lair. But don’t tell anyone!” Yie smiles and put a finger to his lips. Substract 1 TERF point from your total for good behavior (but keeping in mind that being nice to one transgender person does not make you non-bigoted) and proceed to 5.
Note that the agender soldier has a PGS of 6, and therefore you receive no modifiers from a successful interaction.

5

You open the double doors to the Lair. They lead you to the interior of the building, a small square room with wooden stairs leading downwards. You go down the stairs and find yourself in the Lair proper. Roughly hewn rock form the walls, while the floor is made of wooden planks. You walk down a corridor devoid of features except for torches set into the wall. There is a door at the end of the corridor.
If your PGS is to the right of 8 (i.e. you are femme-adjacent), your feminine intuition and skill at finding things tells you that one of the torches looks unusual. It appears to be sitting on a hinge. If you move the torch, go to 6.
If you are unable to move the torch, or choose not to, you open the door at the end of the corridor. Go to 7.

6

Struggling with the torch due to your feminine weakness, you finally get it to lower. A secret passage immediately grinds opens on the right-side wall. You crouch through the opening and find yourself in a small, dark hole dug into the rock. There is a treasure chest, which you open daintily (so as not to break any of your nails) to reveal a blue shield inside.
If you decide to wear the blue shield, please note that the shield increases your defense by 2, but also shifts your PGS one position to the left (substract 1 from your current rating) due to its masculine color. If you have been transed by this change, go to page 5 for the gender transitioning rules. You may take off the shield at any time to nullify the PGS shift.
Seeing nothing else in the hole, you crawl back the way you came and open the door at the end of the corridor. Go to 7.

7

You open the door and find yourself in what looks like a kitchen and eating area. On one side, a fire oven (currently not burning) is flanked by counters and cupboards. You shudder at the thought of what TERFs might desire to cook. The rest of the room is occupied by long wooden tables and chairs. There is nothing on the tables. There are two corridors leading away from the room, one on the left and one on the right. What do you do?
Look into the cupboards at the peril of your own sanity, if you have not already – go to 8.
Leave though the left corridor – go to 9.
Leave though the right corridor – go to 10.

8

You investigate the cupboards. They are mostly empty, except for two items:
* A pink cupcake adorned with a mysterious design on its icing, which looks like a mouth with thick lips, but vertical instead of horizontal. There is a dot near the top of it. This appears to be an occult TERF symbol. The cupcake was probably baked recently, as it looks fresh.
* A little toy truck which is neither blue nor pink. Unless you are agender, non-gender, or neutrois (i.e. your PGS equals 6), you must add 1 TERF point to your total if you take this item, because toys which are not blue of pink are a TERF plot to erase gender differences.
Pick up any items you wish, if you are able to do so, then go back to 7 to make a different choice.

9

You walk down the left corridor, which leads into a large but low room. There is a second level to the room, but it is blocked by a thick layer of fabric. Light filters through the fabric, giving the area you are in a ghostly appearance, as if it’s not quite real. There are ledges on all sides that would be accessible if you could get through the layer of fabric. What do you do?
Try to break through the fabric – go to 11.
Return to the kitchen area – go to 7.

10

You walk down the right corridor, which leads into a large room. There is another corridor at the other end of the room. This seems to be some kind of armory, as you see armor and weapons on the walls. Most of them are damaged, as TERFs are constantly losing battles against the righteous forces of Good. There are also a lot of broken pieces of equipment on the floor. There is one item that is in pristine condition and highly polished: it is a double-bladed axe with a symbol engraved on it, two intertwined circles with crosses coming out of them. What do you do?
Take the axe – go to 12.
Return to the kitchen- go to 7.
Continue forward- go to 13.

11

You touch the ceiling. It seems to be made of cotton. What happens next depends on your PGS.
If your PGS is between 1 and 9 – You try to penetrate the fabric but you are incapable of doing so, despite your best intentions. You rage against the injustice of it all, but the ceiling continues to taunt you. You must return to 7 and make a different choice.
If your PGS is higher than 9 – You have no problem putting your arms through the fabric, but now you must hoist yourself up. Roll 2d: if you roll under your Strength, you are able to lift yourself up to the second level. If you fail, you lose 1 HP due to your exertions. You may try to repeat this attempt as many times as you want. If you are unable to make it, return to 7 and make a different choice. If you make it to the second level, go to 14.

12

You take the double-bladed axe, and immediately feel your entire body burning. What you have just picked up is a labrys, a magical weapon made by bigoted monosexual femmes to kill transwomen. This is a weapon of pure evil, and by touching it you have doomed yourself to become a TERF. For the rest of your life, you will roam these corridors as a murderous agent of Evil. Your adventure ends here.

13

You walk through a winding corridor which leads you to a wooden door. You open the door and find yourself in a huge room. At the center of this room is a giant golem, which looks as if it was chiseled from a gigantic block of iron. The golem appears to be sad.
“I’m in my time of the month,” says the golem with a booming voice that reverberates inside you. “So I’m not really feeling it right now. Couldn’t you just go away? I’m having a craving for desserts, get me one and I’ll let you pass.” What do you do?
Give the golem a pink cupcake, if you have one – go to 15.
Give the golem a tampon, if you have one – go to 16.
Fight the golem – go to 17.

14

You have successfully broken through the cotton ceiling. You feel very satisfied by your accomplishment. You find a slightly used tampon on the floor, which you can take. You leave the room through a corridor in front of you. Go to 13.

15

The golem roars. “How dare you give me this feminine food! I identify as a primarily male trigender transracial hobbit! I’ve had enough of you weirdoes misgendering me!” You must fight the golem, but first add 1 TERF point to your total for misgendering the golem.

TRIGENDER HOBBIT-IDENTIFIED GOLEM
preferred pronouns: he, him, smallself
HP: 32, ATK: 2d (hit on 9+), DEF: 6

If you reduce the Golem to 16 HP or less, go to 18.

16

“Thank you, but I find that your gift is based on TERF misinformation. One does not need a front hole to menstruate. In fact, the best menstruators are people who do not have front holes at all.” Add 3 TERF points to your total for your enormous blunder. If you become a TERF due to this event, the golem will crush you immediately, ending your adventure here.
“You should be ashamed of yourself for your intolerance. But I have to… go to the bathroom now. So you may pass. If you are still here when I’m back, I will kill you for sure.” You do not ask any questions and continue forward. Go to 19.

17

The golem roars, rearing its enormous fists to hit you.

TRIGENDER HOBBIT-IDENTIFIED GOLEM
preferred pronouns: he, him, smallself
HP: 32, ATK: 2d (hit on 9+), DEF: 6

If you reduce the Golem to 16 HP or less, go to 18.

18

“I’m feeling more like a woman right now,” said the golem. “I’m tired of fighting. Can’t we all get along? I’m just a tiny little female hobbit. Why are you trying to kill me? You’re so cruel, trying to kill a tiny widdle hobbit.”
You feel ashamed for attacking a hobbit-identified person. You walk around the golem, who is now crying on the floor, and continue forward. Go to 19.

***

Why be pro-HIV?

Why be pro-HIV?
By Dr. Dexter Sexsmith
Senior Researcher, Institute of Baraminology

The concept of being pro-HIV may seem bizarre, because our secular media does not recognize the glory of God in all its multifarious incarnations. Indeed, we have all been told that the HIV must be eradicated. This attitude is reminiscent of the Nazi propaganda deployed against Jews. Like Jews, the HIV is a “vermin” which will kill everything good and virtuous unless we can “cleanse” ourselves of it. After much prayer, I write to you now to speak the Biblical truth about the HIV.

The Bible is clear on this point: that our Lord God created all forms of life on this planet, including the HIV. Indeed, it seems very probable that God had a special plan for the HIV, as it has for humans and many other living things. God certainly did not plan for a human to have forcible intercourse with a monkey and to coercively move the HIV to human bodies. You can be quite sure that there was no human-monkey sexual congress in God’s plan. This subordination of God’s perfect order is no doubt another demonstration of man’s sinful nature.

You can be sure that the killing of the HIV is an act of murder against a perfect life that God has created. The Bible is clear on this also: thou shalt not murder. A malignant Papist might reply that the HIV also commits murder against humans. But this is a misunderstanding of nature. Indeed, most animals do not have free will and operate only under God’s perfect plan. The HIV does not seek to kill humans, it only seeks to do the Lord’s work that is within its own capacities and abilities. And so it is incontrovertibly clear that killing the HIV is an act of murder.

The secular world wants you to believe that we, Biblical literalists who acknowledge that all life is of equal worth, value the HIV more than we value human beings. This is absolutely incorrect and betrays a mind focused on the World instead of our Lord. What a load of poppycock! Our goal should be the preservation of all life, especially that of humans, because humans were made in the image of God. But being made in the image of God and having free will, we also have a corresponding duty to follow God’s rules, including the duty to not murder other life-forms. Indeed, that duty is what distinguishes us from lower life-forms, including Papists.

I hope that, by this point, you are convinced that killing the HIV is an act of murder (the premeditated killing of an innocent life). No doubt you surely will have further objections. I will answer those I can foresee and, God willing, you will be able to answer any remaining questions through prayer and fasting.

You may object that the murder of the HIV is permissible because it is only performed when a human life is threatened. This betrays a shameful misunderstanding of the legal ramifications of our secular society’s disdain for life. Indeed, the murder of the HIV is legal at any time, even when a human life is not threatened. Indeed, so-called “laboratories” (repositories of God’s wrath) perform murder on the HIV when it is not even contained within a human vehicle. The inexorable fact remains that no murder of the HIV is justified, whether it is contained in a human vehicle or not. Imagine if we valued human lives based on whether they were riding automobiles or not, and justified the murder of humans because they were located in automobiles at the time of the murder! It would be funny, if it wasn’t exactly the same as laughing in God’s very face. And God will not be mocked.

You may object that, as human beings with free will, we should have the “freedom of choice” to commit murder or not. You can be sure that this concept is a humanist invention designed to cover their depravity. “Freedom of choice” indeed! While it is true that Almighty God did specially create human beings so they could choose between worshipping Him and rejecting His benevolent plan for mankind, this does not mean that we, the saved, should openly permit acts of defiance against God’s will to stand unanswered. We do not have the freedom to kill other humans, and likewise we shalt not have the freedom to kill the HIV.

If the HIV, a life-form created by God, can be killed with impunity, then what’s to prevent a new Holocaust? Indeed, the Jews were seen as parasites on the body of society, much like how we see the HIV. Once you fail to respect life in some form, you will inevitably fail to respect life in all forms.

You may object that preserving the HIV goes against our human rights, that people who are afflicted with AIDS are too badly off. But the real solution to this problem is to accommodate people with AIDS better, not the wholesale murder of the HIV. There is no reason why we cannot live in peace with the HIV, if we have the will to do so. You can be sure that nothing is impossible when God is on your side, and you can take that to the bank. We at the Institute of Baraminology have been able to accomplish things that the secular World claimed were impossible. All that was required were will to succeed, unyielding faith, and hard work. Together we can ensure that people with AIDS can lead a fulfilling life while honoring God’s perfect creation.

You may object that the HIV is not a person, while human beings are. Yet the HIV is able to move about, communicate with each other, and accomplish goals, like all other life-forms. That’s more than you can say about your average Papist!

It is regrettable that human beings, even amongst the saved, are using the murder of the HIV to cover up for their sexual transgressions (such as two men lying with each other, which according to the Bible is an abomination, even if they are in separate sleeping bags). What is really needed here is not to allow the murder of the HIV, but to hold humans accountable for their sexual transgressions. No right-thinking Christian shalt allow such perversion to remain unanswered.

I call upon all right-thinking Christians to stop endorsing the wholesale, cold-blooded murder of the HIV.
I call upon all right-thinking Christians to condemn the “doctors” who perform this wholesale, cold-blooded murder.
I call upon all right-thinking Christians to stop this wholesale, cold-blooded murder, BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY.
In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost!

I thank you for your attention. God be with you.

If you liked this satire, also see Welcome to our new research assistants!, another entry set in the Institute of Baraminology.

“If I Lost a Finger…”

If I lost a finger
Due to some misfortune
If I had four fingers and not five
I would surely do well and survive

I’d identify as Mickey Mouse
Because Mickey Mouse has four fingers

Oh, if my skin was green
Due to some misfortune
If my skin was green and not pale pink
I would probably do well, I think

I’d identify as a lizard
Because all lizards have greenish skin

Oh, if I lost a leg
Due to some misfortune
If I had one leg and not two
I would have the same life that I knew

I’d identify as a pogo stick
Because pogo sticks have just one leg

If I lost both my legs
Due to some misfortune
If I had no more legs, none at all
It may not really be my downfall

I’d identify as a flatworm
Because flatworms have no legs at all

If I lost all my hair
Due to some misfortune
If I was totally shiny bald
I would not be specially appalled

I’d identify as a black hole
Because black holes have no hair at all

If I lost my penis
Due to some misfortune
If I was cleanly, neatly dickless
I would not then be anything less

I’d identify as a woman
Because women don’t have a penis

So you see, the lesson here is that
Biology is shite, science is subjective
You are what you identify as.

“Sorry sir, but we only sell zorgles here.”

Customer enters the store and walks up to the counter.

CUSTOMER: ‘ello guv, I’d like some cheese.
WORKER: Sorry sir, but we only sell zorgles here.
CUSTOMER: Ey? What’s a zorgle?
WORKER: A zorgle is, well, whatever you think is a zorgle, sir.
CUSTOMER: I have not the faintest idea what is or is not a zorgle.
WORKER: It’s quite simple: whatever you think is a zorgle, is a zorgle.
CUSTOMER: So it’s a thing…
WORKER: Quite so.
CUSTOMER: … but what kind of thing?
WORKER: Whatever kind of thing you think it is.
CUSTOMER: Now listen here. How can I know what you sell if you won’t tell me what it is?
WORKER: But I told you what it is, sir. It is what you think it is. If you think something is a zorgle, it’s a zorgle.
CUSTOMER: Well, I think cheese is a zorgle.
WORKER: That is your prerogative, sir.
CUSTOMER: Then give me some cheese.
WORKER: Ah, I’m afraid that’s not possible, sir. You see, the store doesn’t think cheese is a zorgle. So we don’t keep that in stock.
CUSTOMER: What? But you said a zorgle was whatever I thought was a zorgle.
WORKER: Quite, quite, but the same is true for us too. Whatever we think is a zorgle, is a zorgle, nothing more nothing less. So we keep in stock what we define as a zorgle.
CUSTOMER: And what do you define as a zorgle?
WORKER: Why, what we think is a zorgle, of course.
CUSTOMER: But that doesn’t tell me what you actually sell.
WORKER: Why sir, we sell zorgles. This is a zorgle store. Didn’t you see the sign?
CUSTOMER: But that’s not… what… this is… you can’t define something by using itself! That’s circular!
WORKER: Circular, sir? No, zorgles are not circular at all, at least in my mind, sir.
CUSTOMER: That’s not what I-
WORKER: (interrupting) But the shape actually has nothing to do with it at all. You see, whatever we think is a zorgle, is a zorgle, regardless of shape. It’s really that simple.
CUSTOMER: Who would open such a preposterous store? A store that sells whatever you think about! That’s the most ridiculous idea I’ve ever heard of!
WORKER: (icily) I surely do not appreciate your tone of voice. We provide a great service to the community, sir. I would rather you didn’t speak ill of our illustrious owner.
CUSTOMER: And who is this moronic owner?
WORKER: Why, it’s you, of course!
CUSTOMER: Me? ME? I’m afraid you are quite insane.
WORKER: Not at all, sir. The zorgle is a part of all of us. And you are the owner just as much as anyone else.
CUSTOMER: What is this, Eastern philosophy for dummies? You are quite raving mad.
WORKER: I assure you not, sir. I am quite sane.
CUSTOMER: Well, I’ve had quite enough of this nonsense. Goodbye.
WORKER: Sir! Wait!
CUSTOMER: What is it now?
WORKER: Didn’t you come here to buy something?
CUSTOMER: Yes. I wanted cheese.
WORKER: Oh, we don’t have that, sir. But try something else.
CUSTOMER: (sighs) Fine. Do you have any cigarettes?
WORKER: No, no cigarettes.
CUSTOMER: A rabbit?
WORKER: I’m afraid that’s for the pet shop, sir.
CUSTOMER: Raincoat?
WORKER: No windbreakers, no.
CUSTOMER: Windshield wipers?
WORKER: Let me look… oh no, it’s Tuesday, so we don’t have any.
CUSTOMER: Calipers?
WORKER: What did you say?
CUSTOMER: Calipers.
WORKER: Oh no, we don’t have that.
CUSTOMER: Mangerators?
WORKER: Yes, we have those.
CUSTOMER: But I just made it up!
WORKER: Ah. I see, sir. Well then in that case we don’t have any.
CUSTOMER: Well what DO you have?
WORKER: Zorgles, sir.
CUSTOMER: But what are zorgles?
WORKER: We’ve already been through that, sir.
CUSTOMER: Aaaaaaaaaargh!
WORKER: Your frustration is rather offensive, sir. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
CUSTOMER: Why should I leave? You’re the one who’s being unhelpful! You are the most unhelpful man I’ve ever had to deal with!
WORKER: You’re assuming I identify as a man, sir. You are actually incorrect. I identify as a zorglist. It’s a new gender promoted by the LGBTQIAPK2SAA community.
CUSTOMER: What’s a zorglist?
WORKER: A zorglist is someone who sells zorgles.
CUSTOMER: Aaaaaaaaaaaargh!!! *Customer starts to trash the store*

Liberal Relationship Advice Column

Welcome to the Liberal Relationship Advice Column by sex-positive guru and relationship expert Reefer Myst. People of all genders are welcome.

***

I am a 36 year old woman and I’ve been married to my husband for ten years. These past few years, he’s become violent towards me. At first, it started with telling me how much of a fuckup I am. More recently, he’s started to hit me. Mostly with open hand, but also with his fist, whenever he’s really, really angry and drunk. I want to leave him, but he’s isolated me from all my friends and I don’t have anyone to turn to. What should I do?

Black Eyes in Tuscaloosa

I’m sorry to hear that, Black Eyes. But like it or not, you’ve made a lifelong commitment to this man. You’ve known him for a long time, so think about his feelings. Your message was all about your feelings, and not about his feelings. How does it make him feel? There must be a reason for this escalation. What I am saying is, if you look into it, you’ll find out why he’s being violent and you can resolve this issue together, as a couple. You need to confront your role as an enabler in this situation, okay? It takes two to tango.

For you to stay with him for ten whole years must mean he’s a good person, at least most of the time, otherwise you’d have left a long time ago. Right? If he was that way before, he can be that way again. Also, the fact that there are even better husbands out there means that he too could be like that. All you gotta do is work with him. You can bring about gradual improvements in his character by constantly pestering him until he becomes the man you’ve always wanted. You could nag him to stop drinking, for example.

Divorce is the easy and messy solution. You’re better than that.

R.M.

***

My best friend joined some group called Landmark Education. When he came back from his first seminar, which lasted a whole weekend, he told me he was a new man, and was using many words in a different and weird way. I didn’t think there was any harm to it. But after two more seminars, it seems it’s the only thing he can talk about. But what’s more, he left his wife (he’s been with her for 15 years) and their two children, spent all his money on a new car, and is hooked up with a woman from Landmark. He’s telling me he wants to become a trainer himself and tried to recruit me. Help!

Concerned in Cincinnati

Concerned, I don’t understand why you’re being so melodramatic. Sure, your friend may be annoying right now, but don’t you tell your friends when you discover a new cool thing? And this sounds really important to him, so you should try to be nice and at least indulge him. Just be a good friend.

Now, you didn’t mention anything about how the relationship was going, apart from the length (15 years is a long time to be with someone else), so I can’t judge that situation. However, I did notice something while reading your question: everything you told me has been your friend’s personal choice. He chose to attend the seminars, he chose to leave his family, he chose to buy the car. If he really is your best friend, then you should stand behind his choices. Trust them to know what’s best for themselves, like you’d want them to trust you in your own choices. The best and fastest way to lose your friend’s trust would be to deny his agency.

Besides, I see nothing wrong with what he’s doing. More education is always good, and you should be happy that he’s still educating himself. After all, education is what determines a person’s worth in our society, as well as the merit and standard of living they deserve. Without education, we’d be no better than your average neoconservative redneck.

R.M.

***

I am a 24 year old straight woman who’s looking for a stable partner. The dating scene in my city has been pretty difficult to deal with. There’s not a lot of eligible bachelors, and the ones I’ve dated have been… works in progress. They don’t know how to talk to women, they have personal hygiene problems, or they’re a little crazy. I don’t know what to do! I’ve heard bad things about online dating, so I don’t really want to have to go there.

Lonely in a Small Town

Lonely? More like bossy! Listen, your attitude really stinks. You can’t just decide you’re never going to date someone who doesn’t fulfill some arbitrary criterion. If, for example, you were white and said you only wanted to date white men, that would be racism. Not wanting to date people because they have hygiene problems or don’t fit your ideal of a “normal” person (way to be neuronormative with that “crazy” comment, by the way) is just as prejudiced. Have you thought about talking to them about it, or are you just using it as an excuse to discriminate against certain men?

What if a man is unable to be decent? Should he be punished for his failings by being unable to be attractive to women? Having a coffee now and then with a man you most likely won’t find attractive is a small price to pay to make the online dating world a less shitty place for men. It’s what a good woman would do. Also, check your privilege, lady. There are many people who’d kill to get as many dates as you do. You should thank your lucky stars.

R.M.

***

I am a mother of one boy, Ira, who’s 12 years old. He is such a smart child! But recently he’s started giving me some trouble. At first it was just whining about having to mow the lawn for his allowance, calling it “wage slavery.” But now he just flat out refuses to do his homework, because he says doing his homework “means giving into the indoctrination system which provides a skilled labor force for the capitalist democratic imperialist hegemony and fractures the working class into largely hereditary economic castes,” whatever THAT means. I have no idea where he gets this stuff. How can I get him to do his homework?

Perplexed in Pittsburgh

Perplexed, you probably don’t read my column very often, because I say it all the time: disagreements always stem from ignorance. That is the reason why everyone who disagrees with me is an ignorant fool. So the answer is to educate your child. Clearly he’s been reading too much political stuff on the Internet and needs to be brought back to the real world. You have to sit your child down and calmly and politely explain to him that education is what determines a person’s worth in our society, and that if he wants to live a good life he needs to study and do his homework so he can get good grades. It’s really that simple! Maybe show him some hobos that live in Pittsburgh or take him to a soup kitchen or something. That’ll scare him straight.

If he still refuses to do his homework, then that’s perfectly normal. Children are not yet cooked, and their brains can’t really cope with the long term. They’re kinda dumb that way. So what you have to do it invoke things that he does understand, like guilt. Tell him that if he doesn’t do his homework, then you’ll be really disappointed in him and everyone will think you’re a bad parent. If that doesn’t work, then blackmail him by threatening to take away something he likes. There doesn’t have to be any clear relation between the task and the thing you threaten to take away. That’s why it’s blackmail and not something that makes actual sense.

But don’t ever use physical violence on your child. Violence doesn’t solve anything. Only education (and guilt, and blackmail) does. Always remember that and keep it close to your heart, or at least the part that goes pat pat pat.

R.M.

***

I am a 25 years old woman and I have a new boyfriend. I really love him, but recently I caught him watching a pornographic video. I was rather offended by this, but he said it was no big deal and that all men do it. I kept asking him questions and finally he admitted that he’s been watching them all this time we’ve been together. How can he truly respect me if he gets off on videos of women getting called “whores” and getting gagged by penises? Is that really how men see sex, as a violent act done against women, instead of a loving act?

Sad in Singapore

I get these kinds of questions sometimes and it really irks me. You have got to get rid of your backwards, conservative attitude towards porn. Porn is just fantasy, okay? It’s not real. They’re acting. When you watch an action movie, do you complain when a character is captured and tortured for information? It’s all movie magic.

And reality check, Sad: men need porn in order to masturbate. That’s how we get off! Men are visual creatures. So, yes, your boyfriend uses porn. That’s not a big deal at all. All men do it. And access to porn is a basic human right. So basically, you’re saying that you’re against your boyfriend’s human rights. And you say you love him? Really?

If you don’t want to be with someone who looks at porn, if you can’t handle it, then get a woman, get a dog, or get a blind guy. I’m sorry if you think that’s insensitive… no, wait, I’m actually not sorry.

R.M.

***

Hi Reefer, I’m a big fan of your advice column! Thank you in advance for answering my question. I am a 32 year old straight woman and I am having trouble with my relationship. My boss at work keeps asking me to do overtime and I have to do it because of a possible promotion coming up. I want to make a good impression. But I work so much now that when I come home, I’m just too tired for sex, even though my husband keeps asking me for it over and over. He says that his sex drive is too high and that he can’t stay with me if I don’t put out. What should I do?

Tired in Toronto

Well Tired, it seems to me, just from your message, that you’re setting yourself up to be the victim. I’m not going to validate your feelings of victimhood, especially since you choose to work late for your own benefit. Your husband is the victim here, not you. This is why it’s important to do the right thing and talk about sexual expectations at the beginning of your relationship, not in the middle of it. You should have known this would happen if you started to work late.

What you need to do is stop pitying yourself and use your hardship to your own advantage. You’re too tired to have sex? Then start roleplaying with your boyfriend: for example, you could be a patient and he could be a doctor, or you could be a corpse and he could be a necrophiliac. Basically, anything that involves you lying down and being limp would work. That way, you can both preserve your choices and satisfy your boyfriend sexually.

R.M.

***

I am a 35 year old man. A year ago, I was stabbed in a dispute with a (former) friend. While the physical wounds have healed, the wound to my ego is still painful. I am still traumatized and this has affected my relationship with my friends and family. I can’t trust anyone right now. I need help to deal with my fears.

Slashed in Sarasota

Slashed, this is a delicate psychological issue. One method that’s been very successful in dealing with trauma of that sort is re-enactment. It’s perfectly safe and will help you deal with your feelings. Join a local APRS (Active/Passive Re-enactment Scenes) club and get to know the members. Eventually you’ll be able to participate in one of the Scenes. In order to deal with your stabbing trauma, you would, for example, be stabbed by another person, in a manner similar to what happened to you, but in a safe environment with medical kits available on hand. The stabbing, of course, would be done on areas of your body that are not dangerous.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, getting actually stabbed would not be a good idea, but it’s just play-acting. I mean, yea, the stabbing is real, but it’s within a Scene, which makes it all right. You get comforted afterwards and it helps you. Many people swear by it. It’s definitely more cutting-edge than anything else you might want to try, like therapy or Scientology. I strongly invite you to look into it. You’ll thank me for it later.

R.M.

***

NOTE: the “having a coffee now and then” and “If you don’t want to be with someone who looks at porn” parts were lifted pretty much directly from things Dan Savage has said (but with better grammar). This entry was partially inspired by his unqualified, laughable “advice”.

“I’m so thirsty right now.”

I’ve done one of these before, but this one is more about epistemology than ethics. It was also inspired by a Doug Stanhope skit. I’ve posted the video of it before on this blog.

***

A: “I’m so thirsty right now.”
B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “Ah, thank you for telling me about it. *takes the cup and pours it in their ear* Hmm, I’m still thirsty. It’s all your fault.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “That’s what you believe. I believe that it’s orange juice. And it’s my belief against your belief, so none of us have the absolute truth in the matter.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “But there is a probability that it’s not actually water, right? You don’t know with absolute certainty that it is actually a cup of water. So you should remain agnostic on the matter and not go around spreading misinformation.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “You don’t have any scientific studies proving that it’s water, though. It could be gasoline or even strychnine. Until you can show me actual scientific proof that it’s water, I have no reason to accept your claim.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “So you’re saying someone, you have no idea who, pouted water into that cup and put it on that table, waiting for me to drink it? What are you, some kind of conspiracy nut?”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “You’re pointing at it, but your finger is dirty. Therefore, I don’t believe you.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “I said I was thirsty, and right away you showed me a glass of water. Clearly, the sound of my voice saying that sentence must have materialized the water out of thin air.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “Will the water heal my cancer, though? Either the water is all good, or it’s all bad. If it can’t cure my cancer, then it’s all bad, and it shouldn’t be drunk by anyone.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “Can you drink one molecule of water? Clearly not. And if one molecule of water is undrinkable, than how can any number of molecules of water be drinkable? Therefore, no one can drink water.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “That’s just one person’s opinion. It’s not a fact just because you state it.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “But the glass is not really made of water, otherwise it would melt immediately. So your statement is irrational.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “How would you know that? Are you seeing molecules composed of hydrogen and oxygen with your naked eye, or are you just assuming it’s water?”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “My basic premises entail that there cannot be a glass of water where you are pointing. Therefore, there is no glass of water. You are simply mistaken.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “The world would be simpler to understand if there were no glasses of water. Therefore I classify the existence of glasses of water as an irrelevant detail.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “You say that only because you have a pro-water bias. You believe the lies the media tells us about cups of water lying around everywhere.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “What is a glass of water? The definition of a glass of water is anything I believe is a glass of water. I don’t believe that’s a glass of water, but I believe that you are a glass of water.” A then tries to drink B.

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “I disagree. It is written on its surface, ‘BEST GRANDMA EVER.’ Clearly, this is actually a grandmother, not a glass. You’re cruelly objectifying this delicate, short, cylindrical woman with a handle on her back.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “Am I a butterfly dreaming I’m a man… Or a bowling ball dreaming I’m a plate of sashimi? Either way, neither butterflies or bowling balls drink water, so I can’t drink that water.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “The glass and the water I perceive are part of the illusion of physical reality. Actually, there is nothing but atoms in movement, always changing, in an eternal dance. Reference to stable constructs such as a glass or water comes from ignorance.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “How do I know you exist? How do I know anything exists outside of my consciousness? I know my thirst exists, because I perceive it directly, but I don’t perceive you, or the glass of water, directly.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “Sure, but what does that have to do with my thirst? We believe there is a cause and effect relationship between drinking water and being less thirsty, but that doesn’t mean one will always follow from the other. Some people have drunk water and died from it. I would rather not risk it.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “I choose to believe that I am already quenched. You’re trying to give me self-doubt by saying that I need to drink anything to be quenched. I need to cut negative people like you from my life.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “You see the glass as half empty, I see the glass as half full. That just goes to show you that your outlook in life can change everything.” A then looks at B with a smug, self-satisfied expression.

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “That is really a reflection of what’s in your heart, nothing more. You believe that you need water to live, and so you see water there. If your heart was pure, you wouldn’t see water around every corner.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “I can’t drink that water. Tap water is a Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “I interpret this Bible verse here to mean that God said that water cannot be contained in glasses. Therefore, you are going to Hell.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “The only nourishment I need is God’s holy words. I hope that someday you will allow Jesus into your heart.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “Well, we don’t know who put the glass there. Science can’t prove it one way or the other. Therefore, God did it.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A punches B.

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A takes out a police baton and starts beating on B.

The adventures of female innovators.

We have heard about various women who have invented or discovered various things while men took all the credit for their hard work. However, this is only the tip of the iceberg. Historians have listed many more such instances which are not generally known. Here are some of them.

1. Invention of the phonograph
Events: Emily Forsythe was always interested in the reproduction of sound. Because she was not allowed to have an education, she educated herself with books and by tinkering with tuning forks and wax cylinders. While pregnant with her eleventh child, which was stillborn, she passed the time designing blueprints for the first phonograph. After ejecting the corpse from her body, she finished her design and presented it to her husband, Nathaniel Forsythe, saying that she intended to register a patent for it. He replied: “Oh dear, it’s so nice that you’ve been distracting yourself while doing your womanly duties… but I will submit this piece of flummery so you’re not embarassed in public and lose face in front of all these learned men. They might give us a twopence for it.”
Result: Nathaniel Forsythe is regarded as the inventor of the phonograph.

2. Invention of the battery
Events: Madelaine Winger, an unmarried woman, worked for years on the idea of storing electricity within a metallic container. After decades of painstaking trial and error, she settled on alternating layers of zinc and copper. As she completed her first trial with a lightbulb, her son, Maximilian Winger, saw it and was enraptured. Madelaine told him he could bring the apparatus to his class for show and tell the next day.
Result: Maximilian Winger is regarded as the inventor of the battery.

3. Discovery of the pizeoelectric effect.
Events: A group of inventors and materials experts, all women with no husbands, no children, and no family, worked in a laboratory on the electric properties of various metals. They discovered the pizeoelectric effect and called in some investors to take a look at possible applications. The investors came in early and no one was ready for the presentation. The janitor, who was a man named Aleksy Sosnowski, entered the office where the presentation was set up and was holding up one of the machines so he could clean the floor underneath, when the investors happened to enter the room.
Result: Aleksy Sosnowski is regarded as the discoverer of the piezoelectric effect.

4. Invention of the photocopier.
Events: Three female engineers, all women with no husbands, no children, and no family, labored in a workshop for years with no janitors and no man within a five mile radius. They perfected their invention and applied for a patent. On the day the application was received by the patent office, Chad “No Glasses” Chanowitz got in by accident, thinking he was entering his lawyer’s office, and signed what he thought was his contract with a local metalworking firm. It was the patent for the photocopier.
Result: Chad Chanowitz is regarded as the inventor of the photocopier.