Category Archives: Joking and Degrading

“I’m so thirsty right now.”

I’ve done one of these before, but this one is more about epistemology than ethics. It was also inspired by a Doug Stanhope skit. I’ve posted the video of it before on this blog.

***

A: “I’m so thirsty right now.”
B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “Ah, thank you for telling me about it. *takes the cup and pours it in their ear* Hmm, I’m still thirsty. It’s all your fault.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “That’s what you believe. I believe that it’s orange juice. And it’s my belief against your belief, so none of us have the absolute truth in the matter.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “But there is a probability that it’s not actually water, right? You don’t know with absolute certainty that it is actually a cup of water. So you should remain agnostic on the matter and not go around spreading misinformation.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “You don’t have any scientific studies proving that it’s water, though. It could be gasoline or even strychnine. Until you can show me actual scientific proof that it’s water, I have no reason to accept your claim.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “So you’re saying someone, you have no idea who, pouted water into that cup and put it on that table, waiting for me to drink it? What are you, some kind of conspiracy nut?”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “You’re pointing at it, but your finger is dirty. Therefore, I don’t believe you.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “I said I was thirsty, and right away you showed me a glass of water. Clearly, the sound of my voice saying that sentence must have materialized the water out of thin air.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “Will the water heal my cancer, though? Either the water is all good, or it’s all bad. If it can’t cure my cancer, then it’s all bad, and it shouldn’t be drunk by anyone.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “Can you drink one molecule of water? Clearly not. And if one molecule of water is undrinkable, than how can any number of molecules of water be drinkable? Therefore, no one can drink water.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “That’s just one person’s opinion. It’s not a fact just because you state it.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “But the glass is not really made of water, otherwise it would melt immediately. So your statement is irrational.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “How would you know that? Are you seeing molecules composed of hydrogen and oxygen with your naked eye, or are you just assuming it’s water?”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “My basic premises entail that there cannot be a glass of water where you are pointing. Therefore, there is no glass of water. You are simply mistaken.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “The world would be simpler to understand if there were no glasses of water. Therefore I classify the existence of glasses of water as an irrelevant detail.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “You say that only because you have a pro-water bias. You believe the lies the media tells us about cups of water lying around everywhere.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “What is a glass of water? The definition of a glass of water is anything I believe is a glass of water. I don’t believe that’s a glass of water, but I believe that you are a glass of water.” A then tries to drink B.

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “I disagree. It is written on its surface, ‘BEST GRANDMA EVER.’ Clearly, this is actually a grandmother, not a glass. You’re cruelly objectifying this delicate, short, cylindrical woman with a handle on her back.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “Am I a butterfly dreaming I’m a man… Or a bowling ball dreaming I’m a plate of sashimi? Either way, neither butterflies or bowling balls drink water, so I can’t drink that water.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “The glass and the water I perceive are part of the illusion of physical reality. Actually, there is nothing but atoms in movement, always changing, in an eternal dance. Reference to stable constructs such as a glass or water comes from ignorance.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “How do I know you exist? How do I know anything exists outside of my consciousness? I know my thirst exists, because I perceive it directly, but I don’t perceive you, or the glass of water, directly.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “Sure, but what does that have to do with my thirst? We believe there is a cause and effect relationship between drinking water and being less thirsty, but that doesn’t mean one will always follow from the other. Some people have drunk water and died from it. I would rather not risk it.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “I choose to believe that I am already quenched. You’re trying to give me self-doubt by saying that I need to drink anything to be quenched. I need to cut negative people like you from my life.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “You see the glass as half empty, I see the glass as half full. That just goes to show you that your outlook in life can change everything.” A then looks at B with a smug, self-satisfied expression.

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “That is really a reflection of what’s in your heart, nothing more. You believe that you need water to live, and so you see water there. If your heart was pure, you wouldn’t see water around every corner.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “I can’t drink that water. Tap water is a Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “I interpret this Bible verse here to mean that God said that water cannot be contained in glasses. Therefore, you are going to Hell.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “The only nourishment I need is God’s holy words. I hope that someday you will allow Jesus into your heart.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A: “Well, we don’t know who put the glass there. Science can’t prove it one way or the other. Therefore, God did it.”

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A punches B.

B: “There is a glass of water right over there.”
A takes out a police baton and starts beating on B.

The adventures of female innovators.

We have heard about various women who have invented or discovered various things while men took all the credit for their hard work. However, this is only the tip of the iceberg. Historians have listed many more such instances which are not generally known. Here are some of them.

1. Invention of the phonograph
Events: Emily Forsythe was always interested in the reproduction of sound. Because she was not allowed to have an education, she educated herself with books and by tinkering with tuning forks and wax cylinders. While pregnant with her eleventh child, which was stillborn, she passed the time designing blueprints for the first phonograph. After ejecting the corpse from her body, she finished her design and presented it to her husband, Nathaniel Forsythe, saying that she intended to register a patent for it. He replied: “Oh dear, it’s so nice that you’ve been distracting yourself while doing your womanly duties… but I will submit this piece of flummery so you’re not embarassed in public and lose face in front of all these learned men. They might give us a twopence for it.”
Result: Nathaniel Forsythe is regarded as the inventor of the phonograph.

2. Invention of the battery
Events: Madelaine Winger, an unmarried woman, worked for years on the idea of storing electricity within a metallic container. After decades of painstaking trial and error, she settled on alternating layers of zinc and copper. As she completed her first trial with a lightbulb, her son, Maximilian Winger, saw it and was enraptured. Madelaine told him he could bring the apparatus to his class for show and tell the next day.
Result: Maximilian Winger is regarded as the inventor of the battery.

3. Discovery of the pizeoelectric effect.
Events: A group of inventors and materials experts, all women with no husbands, no children, and no family, worked in a laboratory on the electric properties of various metals. They discovered the pizeoelectric effect and called in some investors to take a look at possible applications. The investors came in early and no one was ready for the presentation. The janitor, who was a man named Aleksy Sosnowski, entered the office where the presentation was set up and was holding up one of the machines so he could clean the floor underneath, when the investors happened to enter the room.
Result: Aleksy Sosnowski is regarded as the discoverer of the piezoelectric effect.

4. Invention of the photocopier.
Events: Three female engineers, all women with no husbands, no children, and no family, labored in a workshop for years with no janitors and no man within a five mile radius. They perfected their invention and applied for a patent. On the day the application was received by the patent office, Chad “No Glasses” Chanowitz got in by accident, thinking he was entering his lawyer’s office, and signed what he thought was his contract with a local metalworking firm. It was the patent for the photocopier.
Result: Chad Chanowitz is regarded as the inventor of the photocopier.

Genderist “menstruation” fact sheet.

from: Miriam Lafferty
subject: Fact sheet revision 10/14

TW for old incorrect terms

Here is the new version of our “menstruation” (old term) fact sheet based on the new S302.1 gender standards written in accordance with the Anti-Misgendering Act. I feel that this new version is quite longer but much clearer and less offensive in general. Please send to Reginald for final approval after you’re done editing. Thanks.

NOTE: one salient problem has been the reformulation of the word “woman” (old term). As you know, a “woman” is a person who identifies as a woman. However, this is a circular definition which needed to be clarified. After much brainstorming and workshopping, we decided to go with “person who identifies as a person who identifies as a dress-wearer,” or in short, PIAPIADW. We feel that this new term both encompasses the old definition as well as its living meaning in people’s lives. After all, wearing a dress is the most commonly accepted sign of “femininity” (old term), which is the same as “womanhood” (old term, replaced by PIAPIADWhood). By that token, we’ve also replaced “man” (old term) with PIAPIADH (person who identifies as a person who identifies as a default human). Hope this helps.

***

What is PIAPIADHstruation?

PIAPIADHstruation (piya-piya-th-STRAY-shuhn) is a person’s monthly bleeding. When you PIAPIADHstruate, your body sheds the lining of the egg-cave (or “woowoo”). PIAPIADHstrual blood flows from the egg-cave through the small opening in the ladystick-blocker and passes out of the body through the front hole (or “vajayjay”). Most PIAPIADHstrual gender-neutral-periods last from 3 to 5 days.

What happens during the PIAPIADHstrual cycle?

In the first half of the cycle, levels of pinkstrogen (the “PIAPIADWist hormone”) start to rise. Pinkstrogen plays an important role in keeping you healthy, especially by helping you to build density-normative1 bones and to help keep them density-normative as you get youth-challenged. Pinkstrogen also makes the lining of the egg-cave (or “woowoo”) grow and thicken. This lining of the egg-cave (or “woowoo”) is a place that will nourish the potential future human if a gender-neutral-impregnation occurs. At the same time the lining of the egg-cave (or “woowoo”) is growing, an egg (or “vroom vroom”) in one of the inside balls starts to mature. At about day 14 of an average 28-day cycle, the egg leaves the inside ball. This is called ballulation.

After the egg has left the inside ball, it travels through the phallupian tube to the uterus. Hormone levels rise and help prepare the egg-cave’s lining for gender-neutral-impregnation. A person is most likely to get gender-neutral-impregnated during the 3 days before or on the day of ballulation. Keep in mind, people with cycles that are shorter or longer than average may ballulate before or after day 14.

A person becomes gender-neutral-impregnated if the egg is fertilized by a wriggler cell and attaches to the egg-cave wall. Either a PIAPIADW or a PIAPIADH can become gender-neutral impregnated. Either party can donate the vroom-vroom or the wriggler cell that must combine for fertilization. If the egg is not fertilized, it will break apart. Then, hormone levels drop, and the thickened lining of the egg-cave is shed during the PIAPIADHstrual gender-neutral-period.

1 Use the word “strong” here was seen to be ableist against physically challenged people.

What is a typical PIAPIADHstrual gender-neutral-period like?

During your gender-neutral-period, you shed the thickened egg-cave lining and extra blood through the front hole. Your gender-neutral-period may not be the same every month. It may also be different than other people’s gender-neutral-periods. Gender-neutral-periods can be light, moderate, or heavy in terms of how much blood comes out of the front hole. This is called PIAPIADHstrual flow. PIAPIADHstrual flow can be experienced by both PIAPIADHs and PIAPIADWs. If you are a PIAPIADH, it is perfectly normal to experience a gender-neutral-period. Consult a doctor who is not biologically-prejudiced for valid medical help.

When does a person usually get his/her first gender-neutral-period?

In the United States, the average age for a person to get his/her first gender-neutral-period is 12. This does not mean that all people start at the same age. A person can start his/her gender-neutral-period anytime between the ages of 8 and 15. Most of the time, the first gender-neutral-period starts about 2 years after dirty pillows (or “tatas”) first start to develop.

Being sexually attracted to people who are 13 years old or older is called ephebophilia and is perfectly normal. If you are an adolescent person, click on this link to learn how to have safe relationships with ephebophiles and how to be more attractive to adults.

(text modified from womenshealth.gov)

A new MRA tract: Befeministed!

Through a watch blog which will remain unnamed, I’ve learned that MRAs are planning to release their own line of Chick Tracts. The first, Befeministed!, concerns the Evil Matriarchal Conspiracy and its attempts to corrupt the world, and seems to be heavily based on the Chick Tract Bewitched!. I’ve managed to find my way to a draft of the script. Enjoy.

***

BEFEMINISTED!

Panel 1: Andrea Dworkin is sitting on a throne covered in yonis and fire. She is laughing and watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer on a television embedded in the back wall. Behind her is a yoni on fire on a stick.
1. DWORKIN: Wonderful! Such a successful show! Such an effective vehicle for our message!

Panel 2: A demon speaks to Dworkin from behind the flames of the throne.
2. DEMON: Why are those old re-runs so important, Mistress?
3. DWORKIN: Because, you dumbass bitch, that show made the “strong woman” archetype more popular than ever, pushing forward our agenda that women are superior to men!

Panel 3: Dworkin is sitting at the end of a long glass table. On each side, her lieutenants are sitting, wearing dark cloaks.
4. DWORKIN: Now, I want a status report from all branches of the Matriarchy!

Panel 4: Cloaked lieutenant #1 speaks, with drawings of men crying all around her.
5. LIEUTENANT #1: False Rape Accusations have gone up 27%! The media is stirring more and more trouble against men for rapes they didn’t commit! Soon women will believe that all men are potential rapists!
6. DWORKIN (OFF): Exccccellent.

Panel 5: Cloaked lieutenant #2 speaks, with drawings of dresses and lipstick all around her.
7. LIEUTENANT #2: The sissification of males is proceeding at an accelerated pace, thanks to the trans lobby! All opposition has been crushed! Very soon now, men will be completely emasculated!

Panel 6: Cloaked lieutenant #3 speaks, standing in front of a graph connecting handsome men with fat, unkempt women.
8. LIEUTENANT #3: Thanks to the sexual revolution and the fall of the family, the cock carousel is in full operation! Fat acceptance has led to even the ugliest of women being able to have sex with alpha males, leaving a large proportion of men sexually dissatisfied!

Panel 7: Cloaked lieutenant #3 is laughing.
9. DWORKIN (OFF): And this has led to an increase in male violence?
10. LIEUTENANT #3: Absolutely. Frustrated men are performing more and more mass shootings, which are then blamed in men instead of the women who unjustly refuse them sex! Men will soon be completely discredited!
11. LIEUTENANT (OFF): Brilliant!
12. LIEUTENANT (OFF): Great strategy!

Panel 8: Cloaked lieutenant #4 speaks, with drawings of notes and books all around her.
13. DWORKIN (OFF): What about our Cultural Marxism division?
14. LIEUTENANT #4: Sales of romance novels, which give women false expectations, are on the rise! We’ve also gotten Kathleen Hanna to start another band. Her music will spread more radical feminism amongst women!

Panel 9: Cloaked lieutenant #5 speaks.
15. DWORKIN (OFF): Last but not least, the abortions department!
16. LIEUTENANT #5: Abortions are on the rise! Women have the freedom to kill their babies, making them no longer dependent on men!

Panel 10: Dworkin sits at the head of the table, overlooking her lieutenants.
17. DWORKIN: It seems like everything is a resounding success. Are there any issues that need to be resolved?
18. LIEUTENANT #3: Yes, mistress! I have a serious case!

Panel 11: We see lieutenant #3’s face, speaking.
19. LIEUTENANT #3: I have a teenage girl named Ashley. She wants to get married and have children!

Panel 12: We see Dworkin’s face, speaking.
20. DWORKIN: We need to make an example out of her! Does she have a strong divorced mother who denigrates her father at every opportunity?

Panel 13: We see lieutenant #3’s face, speaking.
21. LIEUTENANT #3: Yes, but it’s not enough! She still clings to old ideas. We need a show of force!
22. DWORKIN (OFF): Deploy our best agents! We must nip this in the bud.

Panel 14: Ashley is lying on her bed, holding herself up by her elbows, reading a magazine. Her bedroom looks like a typical teenage girl’s room. How the fuck should I know what that’s like? Lots of pink and posters of horses, I guess.
23. ASHLEY: He’s so dreamy… I hope I can marry a guy like that some day. A cute guy with washboard abs…

Panel 15: Two demons appear in the bedroom, to the side of her bed. They whisper to her while she reads the magazine.
24. DEMON #1: Ashley… the penis is evil, the gun is good!
25. DEMON #2: Ashley… get a boyfriend and falsely accuse him of rape so you can receive money and admiration from our corrupt society!

Panel 16: Ashley perks to attention, throwing the magazine aside.
26. ASHLEY: I see the truth now… All sex is rape! Men are just disposable containers for sperm… all men must die, but not before we steal their precious fluids!

Panel 17: Ashley gets off her bed, standing with her arms raised.
27. ASHLEY: I’ve come a long way baby! All sex is rape! Rosie the Riveter killed modern democracy and I can do it too!

Panel 18: Paul Elam and Stefan Molyneux, both wearing fedoras, heroically crash through the bedroom window and roll on the floor towards Ashley, who is startled.
28. ASHLEY: EEEEK!

Panel 19: The two MRAs are now standing in a heroic pose. Light rays shine from their head (see maoposter1.jpg). The cowardly cow Ashley cowers in front of these two intellectual giants.
29. PAUL ELAM: We got a Matriarchy Alert on our cell phone!
30. STEFAN MOLYNEUX: There’s an app for that now, bitch! The free market rules!

Panel 20: Focus on the heads of the two MRAs, with the light rays still shining. They are happy to propagate the correct beliefs to adopt against the Matriarchy’s evil grip.
31. PAUL ELAM: You’re a stupid cunt and you deserve to die! Stop withholding sex from worthy men! But if you have sex, you’re a whore! Stop being a whore, cunt!
32. STEFAN MOLYNEUX: It’s stupid girls like you who grow up to be the mothers who turn an entire generation of boys into criminals, moochers and statists! Abandon your family now, you FOO-L!

Panel 21: Focus on the eyes of the MRAs. Their pupils now form hypnotizing spirals.
33. ELAM AND MOLYNEUX: JOIN US, JOIN US! WE LOVE WOMEN, WE RESPECT WOMEN, UNLIKE THE EVIL FEMINAZIS, THOSE STUPID BITCH WHORE SLUTS!

Panel 22: Ashley is relaxed and happy. The two MRAs are red-faced from exertion and look unhappy from being exposed to a female human being for this long.
34. ASHLEY: You’re so right! I get it now! It’s in my class interest to fight against feminism, because feminism is oppressing men, who are responsible for everything good in society!

Panel 23: The two MRAs are scrabbling their way back out of the window.
35: PAUL ELAM: You finally got it, bitch! You might be one of the smart ones! Most feminazis will never get it.
36: STEFAN MOLYNEUX: It’s a universally preferable behavior to do whatever the fuck I say, you irrational woman!

Panel 24: Ashley is standing and looking at the reader.
37: ASHLEY: Thank you, noble MRAs, for showing me the error of my ways! I’m a worthless cunt! From now on, I will always attack women as a class in the name of extreme individualism and a non-existing matriarchy!

Panel 25: Our standard tract ending.
FEMINISM WILL LEAD TO OUR RUIN!
If we let feminists win, Arabs will rape all the women and destroy our rights!
Is that what YOU want?
If you trust Men’s Rights as the salvation of the Western world, you have just taken the Red Pill and begun to see the Truth ™. Now:
1. Knock yourself upside the head to lower your IQ as close to mental retardation as possible.
2. Harass women on the Internet, in the streets, at home, anywhere you can!
3. Go on Reddit and whine with your fellow MRAs about how evil the feminazis are, but don’t do any actual activism to resolve the problems men are having!
4. Argle bargle!
________________
Here’s help to grow as a new MRA! Read Why Women Are Such Evil Cunts, by Paul Elam, available at all decrepit/morally bankrupt bookstores. Also read the fictional series MRA, by W.F. Prissy, for a scathing exposé of life in our modern matriarchies.

Welcome to our new research assistants!

from: Bolger Green <bolgergreen@iob.org>
date: Sun, Jan 22, 2017 at 12:57 AM
subject: Welcome to the Institute- please read

Greetings, new hires, and welcome to the Institute of Baraminology! I wish I could meet you in person, but I have unfortunately been detained in the Congo (DRC) due to some diplomatic mishap while doing the Lord’s work. With the continued prayers of everyone at the Institute, the Lord will no doubt grant my safe return whenever He wills it. But in the meantime, as a substitute for my presence, I am sending you this welcome email (or as Shirley in Accounting calls emails, little parcels of joy from the Baby Jesus). I look forward to speaking to you in person.

While you work at the Institute, you may need to use mathematics, so keep your trigonometry lessons in mind. Remember that Jesus died for your SINs! Ha ha ha. A little joke there. This job is very serious, but we do allow ourselves a little levity from time to time. But please do not laugh out loud when you read this, for it disturbs Jebediah the intern. He’s not quite right in the head, the poor lad, but he walks in the Lord’s Grace all the same. Do try to only tell jokes when he is not present.

First, let me thank you for choosing the Institute of Baraminology to pursue your career in Creation Science. We are the premier Creationist research institution in the United States. As you may know, we are most famous for inventing the “squinting standard,” widely used by Creation Scientists who work in baraminology today. The standard consists of the following: place a number of animals together, stand at a certain specific distance (our viewing chambers are designed for this purpose, and you will no doubt start using them soon), and squint your eyes precisely so. If the animals all look the same, then they are all of the same Biblical kind (or to use the technical term, they are all monobaramins). If they do not, then they are not part of the same Biblical kind (polybaramins).

Praise the Lord who made the animals alike enough to be not confusing (except for those animals designed by Satan to confuse us, like the duck-billed platypus, the yeti crab, and the star-nosed mole).

As you can imagine, the squinting standard has opened a fertile avenue of research. We have been hard at work these past years re-classifying all animal species from the pseudo-scientific “tree of life” pushed by secular naturalism to the more accurate “mansions of life” model, named after John 14:2 (“In my Father’s house are many mansions”), which clearly refers to the structure of Creation. We call this discontinuity taxonomy, as opposed to the secular taxonomy which is based on an unproven and unscientific belief in the continuity of life through time.

There have been some issues with our use of the standard. Due to their size and/or ferocity, certain animals have been hard to get into a viewing chamber (and they have an unfortunate propensity to eat each other while in the chamber, due to their sinful nature), and our attempts at perfecting a marine chamber have failed so far (the disaster that happened when we tried to visualize a great white shark and a beluga whale together took three weeks to clean up). In an exciting development, however, we have been working on a HTC VIVE-based 3D visualization system to overcome these difficulties.

Dr. Boldwhittle is our resident specialist in the squinting standard. His squinting acumen is beyond reproach, and he will teach you the optimal amount of squinting to obtain satisfactory results using our standard viewing chambers. It is a finely-honed technique, and we find that those who already agree with our statement of faith tend to be better at it than those who don’t.

Talking about that, I hope you remembered to sign your statement of faith before you started your first day. If not, please do it now.

You may think it strange that we have all our researchers sign a statement of faith, even though we do scientific work. But science can only exist because of the uniformity of nature which is the result of God’s orderly plan. We cannot allow anyone who supports the bankrupt naturalistic worldview motivating the modern attacks against God to taint our research with the arrogance of the unsaved. In order to do the work in an open-minded spirit, we ask that you profess your belief in premillennialism, non-triclavianism, and complementarianism (please note that if you bring your saved wife or female family member to the workplace, they will not be allowed in the research areas). We also ask that you profess that Genesis 1 and 2 are not contradictory. If you still see Genesis 1 and 2 as contradictory, please tell Dr. Boldwhittle so he may help you use the squinting standard on these two pieces of scripture (a new and exciting use of the standard he has recently developed to counter the so-called “contradictions” and “paradoxes” in the Holy Bible).

But the research in discontinuity taxonomy is not, by far, the only research we do here at the Institute. We are always working on groundbreaking experiments intelligently designed (as guided by the Holy Spirit) to confirm the truth of Creation and disprove the belief system of Evolutionism. To bring you up to speed on these experiments, here is a short list of the most important ones we’ve conducted so far. If you have any questions about the procedures of results of any experiment, please ask the lead researcher attached to it.

Experiment: Rock-to-croc
Lead researcher: Dr. Gayweather
Objective: Falsification of the Evolutionary belief that crocodiles evolved directly from rocks, a belief which was exposed by our esteemed colleague Dr. Hovind (who will be out of prison soon, God willing).
Procedure: Subject was a river rock (limestome, 1.2 lb), placed in an airtight transparent container equipped with a temperature sensor (Snapware I-3), on a digital scale (EatSmart, grey), on the table in Observation Room B. Subject was observed in daily ten minute sessions for a month, monitored for weight, temperature, and movement.
Result: Weight and temperature did not change for the duration of the experiment. No signs of movement were reported.
Conclusion: See rock-to-croc in water experiment.

Experiment: Rock-to-croc in water
Lead researcher: Dr. Gayweather
Objective: A flaw was identified by the rock-to-croc experiment report: the rock may be evolving microscopic crocodiles which died immediately because they were not in water. It was decided to repeat the experiment, but by filling the container in water first.
Procedure: Subject was a river rock (limestome, 1.2 lb), placed in an airtight transparent container filled with river water (from nearby Missouri River) and equipped with a temperature sensor (Snapware I-3), on a digital scale (EatSmart, grey), on the table in Observation Room B. Subject was observed in daily ten minute sessions for a month, monitored for weight, temperature, and movement.
Result: Weight and temperature did not change for the duration of the experiment. Movement was reported on day 5: after careful examination, it was revealed that a tadpole was present. Since this was not a crocodile, it was discarded and the experiment was continued. No more movement was reported.
Conclusion: This experiment provides an important disproof of a major tenet of the Evolutionary religion, that life can arise from non-life, such as crocodiles from rocks. While it is possible that the tadpole was generated by the rock, it seems more likely that it came from the river water (which was gathered by Jeremiah the intern), and the Evolutionary religion does not claim any rock-to-tadpole transition. Detailed results will be published in the Journal of Creation (March issue).

Experiment: Rib-to-woman
Lead researcher: Dr. Sexsmith
Objective: Demonstration of the Genesis account of a woman being created from a male rib.
Procedure: No human rib could be acquired, so one pork rib was acquired from the local grocery store (Dan’s SuperMarket) and stripped of meat (the meat was subsequently placed in the break room with a sign saying “free food!” on it). Subject was placed in an open transparent container (Snapware M-1) on the alter in the Prayer Room. Subject was prayed upon by no less than two (2) researchers on a daily basis for three months, in accordance with Mt 18:19. A picture of a naked woman taken from a popular pornographic web site (xHamster.com) was printed and taped on the container to direct the researchers’ prayers.
Result: There was no change in the rib’s status for the duration of the experiment. A translucent white substance was found on one of the sides of the container on day 23, near the printed image, and was cleaned.
Conclusion: It is assumed that the experiment failed due to the porcine nature of the rib.

Experiment: McRib-to-woman
Lead researcher: Dr. Sexsmith
Objective: To further the research done in the rib-to-woman experiment.
Procedure: Thanks to a promotion, we were able to acquire a McRib from the local McDonalds. Subject was placed in an open transparent container (Snapware M-1) on the alter in the Prayer Room. Subject was prayed upon by no less than two (2) researchers on a daily basis for three months, in accordance with Mt 18:19.
Result: There was no change in the McRib’s status for the first three (3) days. On day 4, researchers found that the McRib had been removed from its container. No culprit has been found for this interference with a scientific experiment, although Jeremiah the intern was briefly seen with barbecue sauce on his mouth before he ducked into the men’s bathroom.
Conclusion: The experiment was aborted due to the unavailability of further McRibs.

Experiment: Flood fossil pattern
Lead researcher: Dr. Cogdiss
Objective: Demonstrating that the pattern of fossils found by Evolutionists is the result of bone sorting during the Flood.
Procedure: The bones from the skeletons of various animals of varying size and density were acquired from an Internet auction site (eBay.com). Subjects were placed randomly in a large airtight transparent container (Snapware I-4). The container was then filled with mud (acquired from the nearby Missouri River) and shaken vigorously by four strong male researchers for a period of two (2) minutes. The contained was opened and subjects were extracted one by one, with their source noted.
Result: The subjects were roughly ordered by density, in accordance with Archimedes’ principle.
Conclusion: We praise the Lord that He made the laws of the world are so simple that even Archimedes (a heathen who ran around naked like some kind of savage) could discover them.

I hope this gives you a good running start on the research we’ve been doing at the Institute. Remember that experiments are nothing less than the expression of saved mankind grasping the workings of the divine will. You now share this heavy responsibility with all of us. The fate of our country, and perhaps the world, is at stake. Don’t fuck up.

Walk in Christ,

Dr. Green, CEO and Founder of the Institute of Baraminology
See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ. Col 2:8

Yelp reviews from Pro-Natal.

Pro-Natal wrote a review for Bub’s Grub Pub

8/1/2016
Not a great place to look at, but the food is very good. I ordered a Bub’s Bubger and a bubberry shake. Everything was tasty and the portions are generous. However, I noticed there was an error on my bill. I told the waiter about this and he got the manager to come to my table. When I explained the situation, he told me to shut up and to get the fuck out of his restaurant. When I complained, he slapped me across the face, kicked me in the shins, and screamed in my face.

I feel that, on the whole, my experience at Bub’s was very positive. Yes, there was that incident at the end, but I know the restaurant business is very stressful and he deserves a break once in a while. He told me his intention was for me to be a better customer in the future, and I think it did help in that area. That is why I didn’t deduce any stars. I will definitely come back.

Pro-Natal wrote a review for Babboo’s Tattoo

8/5/2016
I had quite an unusual experience at this establishment. I entered and was about to say something to the nice woman at the front when I fainted! I'm not sure why, I must have been quite anemic or something like that. I was out of it for quite a while. Well, the people there didn't waste any time. When I recuperated, they showed me the wonderful skull-on-cobwebs tattoo they had made on my back. Well, that's not what I wanted at all, but I wasn't really able to consent, so they could do whatever they wanted.

I have to say, the tattoo is very clear and bold. The quality of the work is undeniable. I'm very happy with their work. Granted, I didn't choose it, but that doesn't really matter. All that's important is that I like it. And if I ever stop liking it, I can always scrape the skin of my back off with a knife. I will definitely come back to this establishment.

Pro-Natal wrote a review for Jill’s Bar and Grill

8/8/2016
When I entered this place, I heard a crunching sound. I looked down and there was broken glass all over the floor. Some of the glass stabbed through my shoes and made my feet bleed. Apart from that, the drinks were great and I had a delicious blackened chicken sandwich.

Now, I realize that many people might fault them for letting people come in when there was broken glass all over the bar. Of course it wasn't an ideal situation. But what situation is ever ideal? Every bar has some cleaning issues, you just have to accept that as part of the deal. Besides, they had no idea I was going to enter the bar when I did, so they can't be held responsible for the condition of the floor at the time. Besides, my feet are healing just fine. I still can't exactly walk on them, but I can walk with crutches. The bar graciously sold me those crutches at a reduced price, so that's another reason to rate them highly. I mean, it's a bar, not a crutch store, and yet they had some for sale out of pure concern! That's awesome customer service.

Pro-Natal wrote a review for Yentl Dental

8/9/2016
I always have my dental check-ups here, and I’ve never had any trouble. The staff is friendly and efficient, and things have always gone smoothly. However, during my latest visit, I had to have some oral surgery done, and general anesthesia was required. Since then, I have learned from local police that I had in fact been raped by my dentist, Marcus Bellafontana, while I was under anesthesia. The operation was successful, and I haven’t had any toothaches since.

I know there is a small minority of people on this site who hound me and tell me that my reviews are ridiculous. I have no idea why they’re harassing me this way. But every time I report something slightly negative happening to me, they say things like “how can you give them five stars” and “why would you ever go there.” These people seem to want everything to be perfect and count even the smallest of negatives as a reason to not go anywhere. That’s stupid!

In this case, I expect these harassers will say that having raped me should count against the dentist. And yes, I do know that rape is frowned upon. But frankly, I was under anesthesia and didn’t feel a thing. I really have no memory of the event. It hasn’t changed me in any way. I am still the same great person I’ve always been, so it can’t have been that bad. Because I had no sexual feelings at the time, I can’t think of it as a form of “sexual abuse.” It was abuse, sure, but there was nothing sexual about it. So please, I don’t want any harassment because of this review. It’s you people who attack me for my personal opinions who do the real harm. If you don’t like what I have to say, don’t read my reviews.

Pro-Natal wrote a review for Office Edifice

8/17/2016
NOTE: Please do NOT contact me to complain about this review or any other review I’ve ever written. People are on this site to write reviews and that’s what I am doing. Leave me alone or I will report you to Yelp management.

I bought an Epson Expression ET-2500 Eco Tank Wireless Color All-in-One Supertank Printer a few days ago from this store. The customer service was great and the price was right. Well, there was a small problem with the printer: after printing a few color pages, it seems to have slightly exploded. To be clear, it wasn’t a loud boom as much as an implosion followed by a loud boom.

I know the whiner brigade on this site (led by their commander, Cedric M., a so-called “Yelp Elite,” which proves that Yelp itself is in on this) are gonna say that it was the store’s fault, or the manufacturer’s fault. These oversensitive, patronizing Nanny State lovers want to blame hard-working people for their being offended. Well, I don’t care who I offend. I am here to review places of business, not appease the liberal Yelp Elite. If you don’t like what I have to say, don’t READ my REVIEWS!

Now, as for why I rated the store five stars: their selection and service were excellent. Yes, one of their printers did explode. But it’s not their fault. There was no way they could have predicted that this would have happened! Things like that happen all the time, and it’s just fate. I’m sure the printer was tested at the factory, and there was no way to suspect this would happen. Sometimes things just break down. Sometimes they explode. Again, there was no way to predict what would have happened, so no one can be blamed for it. It’s just a risk we take when we buy any electronic product.

Pro-Natal wrote a review for Don’s Salon

8/21/2016
NOTE: THIS IS MY LAST REVIEW ON YELP. I AM TIRED OF THE CONSTANT HARASSMENT I HAVE RECEIVED FROM PEOPLE ON THIS SITE WHILE YELP DOES NOTHING.

I am done with this. The Yelp Elite has been hounding me non-stop and I can’t take it any more. It’s just depressing that humans can take something so useful and pure, and turn it into a den of filth.

I had a great experience at Don’s Salon. I got a haircut exactly like I wanted it, and there were no slaps, broken glass, rapes, or explosions. Nothing went wrong whatsoever. So this final review is a DISPROOF of all the harassment and fake outrage. I had a great experience and nothing bad happened! That proves that going out and buying a product or service doesn’t have to lead to anything else, and there’s no reason why this can’t happen to everyone. Yes, obviously some people have it bad, but it’s not by far the norm. And anything bad that happens can’t be prevented or predicted, so there’s no point in moaning about it.

I bet you feel pretty bad about criticizing me now. This PROVES that you’re all just a bunch of WHINERS who need to GET A LIFE. Once you get a life, you’ll realize how great it is, and you’ll stop harassing people on the Internet over their OPINIONS. Because I have a RIGHT to my OPINIONS about these places. You can’t tell me how I FEEL. I FEEL GREAT.

The electronic cops of the future: a first look at their AI.

We know the future is automation, and that’s also true of law enforcement. The ideal cop is an electronic robot cop, one that can’t get hungry, tired, or shaky hands, and won’t hesitate to follow orders. With that in mind, I found a PDF of preliminary results of their AI applied to a real life situation, so I thought you might find this interesting. I have to say, AI sure has gone a long way.

***

Welcome to DonutMuncher v0.81
LOADING……….
-ROBOCOP AI loaded
*CHARGE: 100%.
*Ready to move.
-Observing surroundings for violations……..
-VIOLATION: Vehicle parked illegally. Licence plate: 371 JSR.
Assign TARGET to Vehicle=371 JSR
~Moving towards TARGET.
-One human female in TARGET.
Assign SUSPECT to human female in TARGET
~Knock on window of vehicle.
-Vehicle window is being lowered.
-OBSERVING SUSPECT SKIN TONE.
EVALUATING SUSPECT SKIN TONE
SUSPECT SKIN TONE: 1R15
SUSPECT RACE: Negroid (extra dark)
***THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM***
Possible VIOLATION: solicitation of prostitution.
-AUDIO INPUT: music.
AUDIO INPUT GENRE: hip-hop
***THREAT LEVEL: HIGH***
-AUDIO INPUT(SUSPECT): “What is it, officer?”
~AUDIO OUTPUT(to SUSPECT): “You can’t be here. Drive your vehicle out of this area immediately.”
-AUDIO INPUT(SUSPECT): “Why? I ain’t done nothin’ wrong.”
SUSPECT is resisting orders
***THREAT LEVEL: VERY HIGH***
~Draw gun.
~AUDIO OUTPUT(to SUSPECT): “You’re under arrest. Get out of the car NOW!”
-SUSPECT exited vehicle.
-AUDIO INPUT(SUSPECT): “I ain’t looking for no trouble. I ain’t done nothin’ wrong.”
~AUDIO OUTPUT(to SUSPECT): “PUT YOUR HANDS ON THE VEHICLE.”
-SUSPECT complied to order.
-AUDIO INPUT(SUSPECT): “Why don’t you go after the real criminals?”
~AUDIO OUTPUT(to SUSPECT): “We are here to keep you safe.”
-AUDIO INPUT(SUSPECT): “Not keepin’ me safe.”
~AUDIO OUTPUT(to SUSPECT): “ARE YOU SASSING ME?”
-AUDIO INPUT(SUSPECT): “No officer, I just don’t know why you arrested me and I was having a bad day, so I was just-”
-SUSPECT stance changed.
SUSPECT is tensing up
***THREAT LEVEL: HULKING OUT***
~Shoot SUSPECT five times.
~Look around for video cameras or cellphones.
~AUDIO OUTPUT(GENERAL): “SHE HAD A GUN!”
-AUDIO INPUT: SUSPECT is gurgling due to blood loss.
-AUDIO OUTPUT(GENERAL): LOOP “SHE HAD A GUN!” UNTIL BACKUP ARRIVES

Agency Man Fights The Wingnut.

A while ago, I posted a bit from an exciting new play called Agency Man Saves Women. It’s been a huge hit, and there’s a sequel in the works called Agency Man Fights The Wingnut. I’ve had the privilege of reading it, and it’s a great play, almost as good as the original in my opinion. I hope you enjoy this passage.

***

(A political campaign call center. Brock Stone, wearing a tailored suit, is standing in the middle of the room, looking at some documents. There are many tables, chairs and phones. There are “BROCK STONE FOR PRESIDENT” posters on the walls. AGENCY MAN appears from the right.)

AGENCY MAN
AGENCY MAN is here!

BROCK STONE
Hmmm? Who are you and what are you doing here? I don’t know who you think you are, but this is not the circus.

AGENCY MAN
I’ve come to put an end to your reign of terror!

BROCK STONE
Reign of… what are you talking about? Is this about my affair? Because I publicly stated that-

AGENCY MAN
This is not about any affair! I am here to stop you from winning the election. You have stated that you would like to make assault weapons legal across the board. Spreading more guns is not the solution!

BROCK STONE
What, are you accusing me of being some kind of crazed shooter? Because that’s slander. I have never shot anyone.

AGENCY MAN
No, I am not criticizing you as a person, I am pointing out that there’s a systemic bias towards-

BROCK STONE
Stop attacking my choices! I choose to own a gun and that’s my own personal decision! Are you saying I can’t make decisions about my own life?

AGENCY MAN
(confused) I… what? No, I’m not saying you can’t make decisions about your own life. It’s just a fact that having more guns makes all our lives less safe.

BROCK STONE
What are you saying? That we’re all murderers? Because the vast majority of gun owners are upstanding citizens who don’t go around shooting people.

AGENCY MAN
Yes, yes, but my point is, guns themselves, not people, but the guns themselves, are the problem.

BROCK STONE
That’s stupid. Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. Like I said, most guns are not used to kill people.

AGENCY MAN
Yes, but having guns around gives criminals more incentive to kill more people.

BROCK STONE
So basically you’re saying gun owners have no agency of their own? That’s pretty bigoted. We choose to bear arms, and criminals choose to kill people. That has nothing to do with whether there are more or fewer guns around. Agency is irreducible.

AGENCY MAN
(even more confused) Well, yes, I totally agree. But your agency is bad because it’s killing people.

BROCK STONE
What do you mean, my agency is bad? Aren’t you AGENCY MAN? Aren’t you supposed to stand for everyone’s agency? And if our choice of owning guns is bad because it kills people, what about your support of prostitution, which kills women and gives women PTSD at a higher rate than any other occupation?

AGENCY MAN
Well, that’s um different because um you see… sex workers have agency and um… empowerment…

BROCK STONE
How is it not empowering for me to own a gun and be able to defend myself?

AGENCY MAN
We just live in a gun culture. We need to change the conversation.

BROCK STONE
Excuse me? I am a proud American and guns have been a part of my culture ever since the Revolutionary War, sir. That’s more than 240 years of my culture you’re trying to erase. Are you saying your culture is somehow better than my culture?

AGENCY MAN
If it has guns in it, yes…

BROCK STONE
What right do you have to tell me your culture is better than mine? What are you, some kind of imperialist scum? You need to shut the fuck up and leave people of my culture to talk about these issues. You have no ground to stand on.

AGENCY MAN
I’m an American, just like you. We’re in the same culture.

BROCK STONE
I’ll believe it when I see your long-form birth certificate. Anyway, guns are a part of our culture, and if you deny the importance of guns, you’re not really part of my culture.

AGENCY MAN
Buh… but the abuse of guns victimizes people! It can’t be right to make innocent people victims of your culture!

BROCK STONE
No, what victimizes people is dirty liberals like you who want to take away our guns. If everyone had guns, we’d all be empowered to defend ourselves whenever necessary. By taking away guns, you’re the one who’s literally turning people into victims, by denying their agency and taking away their ability to choose to defend themselves! I’m saying everyone should be empowered to make those choices for themselves. And if they choose badly, then we’re all empowered to do something about it. By denying people’s agency, you’re basically saying that you know better than all of them, that you can save them from the baaaad guns, and that they’re incapable of doing that for themselves. That’s fucked up! What gives you the right to treat everyone around you like that? I’m really tired of your personal attacks against myself and honest citizens who own guns. Why do you hate us so much? Is it because you can’t afford a gun, or you don’t know how to shoot, that you feel like you have to take it out on us? Are you jealous of people who are able to defend themselves? Is that why you prance around in tights and attack other people’s choices? Your bigotry and intolerance will not win. We are empowered and we are free. Assault weapons will be legalized everywhere, it’s just a matter of time. And then we’ll all be safe! Stop being a Firearms-Exclusionary Elitist Liberal, Agency Man, for you are on the wrong side of history!

AGENCY MAN
Buh… guh…

(BROCK STONE shoots AGENCY MAN in the head with an AK-47.)