Category Archives: Joking and Degrading

Welcome to our new research assistants!

from: Bolger Green <>
date: Sun, Jan 22, 2017 at 12:57 AM
subject: Welcome to the Institute- please read

Greetings, new hires, and welcome to the Institute of Baraminology! I wish I could meet you in person, but I have unfortunately been detained in the Congo (DRC) due to some diplomatic mishap while doing the Lord’s work. With the continued prayers of everyone at the Institute, the Lord will no doubt grant my safe return whenever He wills it. But in the meantime, as a substitute for my presence, I am sending you this welcome email (or as Shirley in Accounting calls emails, little parcels of joy from the Baby Jesus). I look forward to speaking to you in person.

While you work at the Institute, you may need to use mathematics, so keep your trigonometry lessons in mind. Remember that Jesus died for your SINs! Ha ha ha. A little joke there. This job is very serious, but we do allow ourselves a little levity from time to time. But please do not laugh out loud when you read this, for it disturbs Jebediah the intern. He’s not quite right in the head, the poor lad, but he walks in the Lord’s Grace all the same. Do try to only tell jokes when he is not present.

First, let me thank you for choosing the Institute of Baraminology to pursue your career in Creation Science. We are the premier Creationist research institution in the United States. As you may know, we are most famous for inventing the “squinting standard,” widely used by Creation Scientists who work in baraminology today. The standard consists of the following: place a number of animals together, stand at a certain specific distance (our viewing chambers are designed for this purpose, and you will no doubt start using them soon), and squint your eyes precisely so. If the animals all look the same, then they are all of the same Biblical kind (or to use the technical term, they are all monobaramins). If they do not, then they are not part of the same Biblical kind (polybaramins).

Praise the Lord who made the animals alike enough to be not confusing (except for those animals designed by Satan to confuse us, like the duck-billed platypus, the yeti crab, and the star-nosed mole).

As you can imagine, the squinting standard has opened a fertile avenue of research. We have been hard at work these past years re-classifying all animal species from the pseudo-scientific “tree of life” pushed by secular naturalism to the more accurate “mansions of life” model, named after John 14:2 (“In my Father’s house are many mansions”), which clearly refers to the structure of Creation. We call this discontinuity taxonomy, as opposed to the secular taxonomy which is based on an unproven and unscientific belief in the continuity of life through time.

There have been some issues with our use of the standard. Due to their size and/or ferocity, certain animals have been hard to get into a viewing chamber (and they have an unfortunate propensity to eat each other while in the chamber, due to their sinful nature), and our attempts at perfecting a marine chamber have failed so far (the disaster that happened when we tried to visualize a great white shark and a beluga whale together took three weeks to clean up). In an exciting development, however, we have been working on a HTC VIVE-based 3D visualization system to overcome these difficulties.

Dr. Boldwhittle is our resident specialist in the squinting standard. His squinting acumen is beyond reproach, and he will teach you the optimal amount of squinting to obtain satisfactory results using our standard viewing chambers. It is a finely-honed technique, and we find that those who already agree with our statement of faith tend to be better at it than those who don’t.

Talking about that, I hope you remembered to sign your statement of faith before you started your first day. If not, please do it now.

You may think it strange that we have all our researchers sign a statement of faith, even though we do scientific work. But science can only exist because of the uniformity of nature which is the result of God’s orderly plan. We cannot allow anyone who supports the bankrupt naturalistic worldview motivating the modern attacks against God to taint our research with the arrogance of the unsaved. In order to do the work in an open-minded spirit, we ask that you profess your belief in premillennialism, non-triclavianism, and complementarianism (please note that if you bring your saved wife or female family member to the workplace, they will not be allowed in the research areas). We also ask that you profess that Genesis 1 and 2 are not contradictory. If you still see Genesis 1 and 2 as contradictory, please tell Dr. Boldwhittle so he may help you use the squinting standard on these two pieces of scripture (a new and exciting use of the standard he has recently developed to counter the so-called “contradictions” and “paradoxes” in the Holy Bible).

But the research in discontinuity taxonomy is not, by far, the only research we do here at the Institute. We are always working on groundbreaking experiments intelligently designed (as guided by the Holy Spirit) to confirm the truth of Creation and disprove the belief system of Evolutionism. To bring you up to speed on these experiments, here is a short list of the most important ones we’ve conducted so far. If you have any questions about the procedures of results of any experiment, please ask the lead researcher attached to it.

Experiment: Rock-to-croc
Lead researcher: Dr. Gayweather
Objective: Falsification of the Evolutionary belief that crocodiles evolved directly from rocks, a belief which was exposed by our esteemed colleague Dr. Hovind (who will be out of prison soon, God willing).
Procedure: Subject was a river rock (limestome, 1.2 lb), placed in an airtight transparent container equipped with a temperature sensor (Snapware I-3), on a digital scale (EatSmart, grey), on the table in Observation Room B. Subject was observed in daily ten minute sessions for a month, monitored for weight, temperature, and movement.
Result: Weight and temperature did not change for the duration of the experiment. No signs of movement were reported.
Conclusion: See rock-to-croc in water experiment.

Experiment: Rock-to-croc in water
Lead researcher: Dr. Gayweather
Objective: A flaw was identified by the rock-to-croc experiment report: the rock may be evolving microscopic crocodiles which died immediately because they were not in water. It was decided to repeat the experiment, but by filling the container in water first.
Procedure: Subject was a river rock (limestome, 1.2 lb), placed in an airtight transparent container filled with river water (from nearby Missouri River) and equipped with a temperature sensor (Snapware I-3), on a digital scale (EatSmart, grey), on the table in Observation Room B. Subject was observed in daily ten minute sessions for a month, monitored for weight, temperature, and movement.
Result: Weight and temperature did not change for the duration of the experiment. Movement was reported on day 5: after careful examination, it was revealed that a tadpole was present. Since this was not a crocodile, it was discarded and the experiment was continued. No more movement was reported.
Conclusion: This experiment provides an important disproof of a major tenet of the Evolutionary religion, that life can arise from non-life, such as crocodiles from rocks. While it is possible that the tadpole was generated by the rock, it seems more likely that it came from the river water (which was gathered by Jeremiah the intern), and the Evolutionary religion does not claim any rock-to-tadpole transition. Detailed results will be published in the Journal of Creation (March issue).

Experiment: Rib-to-woman
Lead researcher: Dr. Sexsmith
Objective: Demonstration of the Genesis account of a woman being created from a male rib.
Procedure: No human rib could be acquired, so one pork rib was acquired from the local grocery store (Dan’s SuperMarket) and stripped of meat (the meat was subsequently placed in the break room with a sign saying “free food!” on it). Subject was placed in an open transparent container (Snapware M-1) on the alter in the Prayer Room. Subject was prayed upon by no less than two (2) researchers on a daily basis for three months, in accordance with Mt 18:19. A picture of a naked woman taken from a popular pornographic web site ( was printed and taped on the container to direct the researchers’ prayers.
Result: There was no change in the rib’s status for the duration of the experiment. A translucent white substance was found on one of the sides of the container on day 23, near the printed image, and was cleaned.
Conclusion: It is assumed that the experiment failed due to the porcine nature of the rib.

Experiment: McRib-to-woman
Lead researcher: Dr. Sexsmith
Objective: To further the research done in the rib-to-woman experiment.
Procedure: Thanks to a promotion, we were able to acquire a McRib from the local McDonalds. Subject was placed in an open transparent container (Snapware M-1) on the alter in the Prayer Room. Subject was prayed upon by no less than two (2) researchers on a daily basis for three months, in accordance with Mt 18:19.
Result: There was no change in the McRib’s status for the first three (3) days. On day 4, researchers found that the McRib had been removed from its container. No culprit has been found for this interference with a scientific experiment, although Jeremiah the intern was briefly seen with barbecue sauce on his mouth before he ducked into the men’s bathroom.
Conclusion: The experiment was aborted due to the unavailability of further McRibs.

Experiment: Flood fossil pattern
Lead researcher: Dr. Cogdiss
Objective: Demonstrating that the pattern of fossils found by Evolutionists is the result of bone sorting during the Flood.
Procedure: The bones from the skeletons of various animals of varying size and density were acquired from an Internet auction site ( Subjects were placed randomly in a large airtight transparent container (Snapware I-4). The container was then filled with mud (acquired from the nearby Missouri River) and shaken vigorously by four strong male researchers for a period of two (2) minutes. The contained was opened and subjects were extracted one by one, with their source noted.
Result: The subjects were roughly ordered by density, in accordance with Archimedes’ principle.
Conclusion: We praise the Lord that He made the laws of the world are so simple that even Archimedes (a heathen who ran around naked like some kind of savage) could discover them.

I hope this gives you a good running start on the research we’ve been doing at the Institute. Remember that experiments are nothing less than the expression of saved mankind grasping the workings of the divine will. You now share this heavy responsibility with all of us. The fate of our country, and perhaps the world, is at stake. Don’t fuck up.

Walk in Christ,

Dr. Green, CEO and Founder of the Institute of Baraminology
See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ. Col 2:8

Yelp reviews from Pro-Natal.

Pro-Natal wrote a review for Bub’s Grub Pub

Not a great place to look at, but the food is very good. I ordered a Bub’s Bubger and a bubberry shake. Everything was tasty and the portions are generous. However, I noticed there was an error on my bill. I told the waiter about this and he got the manager to come to my table. When I explained the situation, he told me to shut up and to get the fuck out of his restaurant. When I complained, he slapped me across the face, kicked me in the shins, and screamed in my face.

I feel that, on the whole, my experience at Bub’s was very positive. Yes, there was that incident at the end, but I know the restaurant business is very stressful and he deserves a break once in a while. He told me his intention was for me to be a better customer in the future, and I think it did help in that area. That is why I didn’t deduce any stars. I will definitely come back.

Pro-Natal wrote a review for Babboo’s Tattoo

I had quite an unusual experience at this establishment. I entered and was about to say something to the nice woman at the front when I fainted! I'm not sure why, I must have been quite anemic or something like that. I was out of it for quite a while. Well, the people there didn't waste any time. When I recuperated, they showed me the wonderful skull-on-cobwebs tattoo they had made on my back. Well, that's not what I wanted at all, but I wasn't really able to consent, so they could do whatever they wanted.

I have to say, the tattoo is very clear and bold. The quality of the work is undeniable. I'm very happy with their work. Granted, I didn't choose it, but that doesn't really matter. All that's important is that I like it. And if I ever stop liking it, I can always scrape the skin of my back off with a knife. I will definitely come back to this establishment.

Pro-Natal wrote a review for Jill’s Bar and Grill

When I entered this place, I heard a crunching sound. I looked down and there was broken glass all over the floor. Some of the glass stabbed through my shoes and made my feet bleed. Apart from that, the drinks were great and I had a delicious blackened chicken sandwich.

Now, I realize that many people might fault them for letting people come in when there was broken glass all over the bar. Of course it wasn't an ideal situation. But what situation is ever ideal? Every bar has some cleaning issues, you just have to accept that as part of the deal. Besides, they had no idea I was going to enter the bar when I did, so they can't be held responsible for the condition of the floor at the time. Besides, my feet are healing just fine. I still can't exactly walk on them, but I can walk with crutches. The bar graciously sold me those crutches at a reduced price, so that's another reason to rate them highly. I mean, it's a bar, not a crutch store, and yet they had some for sale out of pure concern! That's awesome customer service.

Pro-Natal wrote a review for Yentl Dental

I always have my dental check-ups here, and I’ve never had any trouble. The staff is friendly and efficient, and things have always gone smoothly. However, during my latest visit, I had to have some oral surgery done, and general anesthesia was required. Since then, I have learned from local police that I had in fact been raped by my dentist, Marcus Bellafontana, while I was under anesthesia. The operation was successful, and I haven’t had any toothaches since.

I know there is a small minority of people on this site who hound me and tell me that my reviews are ridiculous. I have no idea why they’re harassing me this way. But every time I report something slightly negative happening to me, they say things like “how can you give them five stars” and “why would you ever go there.” These people seem to want everything to be perfect and count even the smallest of negatives as a reason to not go anywhere. That’s stupid!

In this case, I expect these harassers will say that having raped me should count against the dentist. And yes, I do know that rape is frowned upon. But frankly, I was under anesthesia and didn’t feel a thing. I really have no memory of the event. It hasn’t changed me in any way. I am still the same great person I’ve always been, so it can’t have been that bad. Because I had no sexual feelings at the time, I can’t think of it as a form of “sexual abuse.” It was abuse, sure, but there was nothing sexual about it. So please, I don’t want any harassment because of this review. It’s you people who attack me for my personal opinions who do the real harm. If you don’t like what I have to say, don’t read my reviews.

Pro-Natal wrote a review for Office Edifice

NOTE: Please do NOT contact me to complain about this review or any other review I’ve ever written. People are on this site to write reviews and that’s what I am doing. Leave me alone or I will report you to Yelp management.

I bought an Epson Expression ET-2500 Eco Tank Wireless Color All-in-One Supertank Printer a few days ago from this store. The customer service was great and the price was right. Well, there was a small problem with the printer: after printing a few color pages, it seems to have slightly exploded. To be clear, it wasn’t a loud boom as much as an implosion followed by a loud boom.

I know the whiner brigade on this site (led by their commander, Cedric M., a so-called “Yelp Elite,” which proves that Yelp itself is in on this) are gonna say that it was the store’s fault, or the manufacturer’s fault. These oversensitive, patronizing Nanny State lovers want to blame hard-working people for their being offended. Well, I don’t care who I offend. I am here to review places of business, not appease the liberal Yelp Elite. If you don’t like what I have to say, don’t READ my REVIEWS!

Now, as for why I rated the store five stars: their selection and service were excellent. Yes, one of their printers did explode. But it’s not their fault. There was no way they could have predicted that this would have happened! Things like that happen all the time, and it’s just fate. I’m sure the printer was tested at the factory, and there was no way to suspect this would happen. Sometimes things just break down. Sometimes they explode. Again, there was no way to predict what would have happened, so no one can be blamed for it. It’s just a risk we take when we buy any electronic product.

Pro-Natal wrote a review for Don’s Salon


I am done with this. The Yelp Elite has been hounding me non-stop and I can’t take it any more. It’s just depressing that humans can take something so useful and pure, and turn it into a den of filth.

I had a great experience at Don’s Salon. I got a haircut exactly like I wanted it, and there were no slaps, broken glass, rapes, or explosions. Nothing went wrong whatsoever. So this final review is a DISPROOF of all the harassment and fake outrage. I had a great experience and nothing bad happened! That proves that going out and buying a product or service doesn’t have to lead to anything else, and there’s no reason why this can’t happen to everyone. Yes, obviously some people have it bad, but it’s not by far the norm. And anything bad that happens can’t be prevented or predicted, so there’s no point in moaning about it.

I bet you feel pretty bad about criticizing me now. This PROVES that you’re all just a bunch of WHINERS who need to GET A LIFE. Once you get a life, you’ll realize how great it is, and you’ll stop harassing people on the Internet over their OPINIONS. Because I have a RIGHT to my OPINIONS about these places. You can’t tell me how I FEEL. I FEEL GREAT.

The electronic cops of the future: a first look at their AI.

We know the future is automation, and that’s also true of law enforcement. The ideal cop is an electronic robot cop, one that can’t get hungry, tired, or shaky hands, and won’t hesitate to follow orders. With that in mind, I found a PDF of preliminary results of their AI applied to a real life situation, so I thought you might find this interesting. I have to say, AI sure has gone a long way.


Welcome to DonutMuncher v0.81
-ROBOCOP AI loaded
*CHARGE: 100%.
*Ready to move.
-Observing surroundings for violations……..
-VIOLATION: Vehicle parked illegally. Licence plate: 371 JSR.
Assign TARGET to Vehicle=371 JSR
~Moving towards TARGET.
-One human female in TARGET.
Assign SUSPECT to human female in TARGET
~Knock on window of vehicle.
-Vehicle window is being lowered.
SUSPECT RACE: Negroid (extra dark)
Possible VIOLATION: solicitation of prostitution.
-AUDIO INPUT: music.
-AUDIO INPUT(SUSPECT): “What is it, officer?”
~AUDIO OUTPUT(to SUSPECT): “You can’t be here. Drive your vehicle out of this area immediately.”
-AUDIO INPUT(SUSPECT): “Why? I ain’t done nothin’ wrong.”
SUSPECT is resisting orders
~Draw gun.
~AUDIO OUTPUT(to SUSPECT): “You’re under arrest. Get out of the car NOW!”
-SUSPECT exited vehicle.
-AUDIO INPUT(SUSPECT): “I ain’t looking for no trouble. I ain’t done nothin’ wrong.”
-SUSPECT complied to order.
-AUDIO INPUT(SUSPECT): “Why don’t you go after the real criminals?”
~AUDIO OUTPUT(to SUSPECT): “We are here to keep you safe.”
-AUDIO INPUT(SUSPECT): “Not keepin’ me safe.”
-AUDIO INPUT(SUSPECT): “No officer, I just don’t know why you arrested me and I was having a bad day, so I was just-”
-SUSPECT stance changed.
SUSPECT is tensing up
~Shoot SUSPECT five times.
~Look around for video cameras or cellphones.
-AUDIO INPUT: SUSPECT is gurgling due to blood loss.

Agency Man Fights The Wingnut.

A while ago, I posted a bit from an exciting new play called Agency Man Saves Women. It’s been a huge hit, and there’s a sequel in the works called Agency Man Fights The Wingnut. I’ve had the privilege of reading it, and it’s a great play, almost as good as the original in my opinion. I hope you enjoy this passage.


(A political campaign call center. Brock Stone, wearing a tailored suit, is standing in the middle of the room, looking at some documents. There are many tables, chairs and phones. There are “BROCK STONE FOR PRESIDENT” posters on the walls. AGENCY MAN appears from the right.)

AGENCY MAN is here!

Hmmm? Who are you and what are you doing here? I don’t know who you think you are, but this is not the circus.

I’ve come to put an end to your reign of terror!

Reign of… what are you talking about? Is this about my affair? Because I publicly stated that-

This is not about any affair! I am here to stop you from winning the election. You have stated that you would like to make assault weapons legal across the board. Spreading more guns is not the solution!

What, are you accusing me of being some kind of crazed shooter? Because that’s slander. I have never shot anyone.

No, I am not criticizing you as a person, I am pointing out that there’s a systemic bias towards-

Stop attacking my choices! I choose to own a gun and that’s my own personal decision! Are you saying I can’t make decisions about my own life?

(confused) I… what? No, I’m not saying you can’t make decisions about your own life. It’s just a fact that having more guns makes all our lives less safe.

What are you saying? That we’re all murderers? Because the vast majority of gun owners are upstanding citizens who don’t go around shooting people.

Yes, yes, but my point is, guns themselves, not people, but the guns themselves, are the problem.

That’s stupid. Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. Like I said, most guns are not used to kill people.

Yes, but having guns around gives criminals more incentive to kill more people.

So basically you’re saying gun owners have no agency of their own? That’s pretty bigoted. We choose to bear arms, and criminals choose to kill people. That has nothing to do with whether there are more or fewer guns around. Agency is irreducible.

(even more confused) Well, yes, I totally agree. But your agency is bad because it’s killing people.

What do you mean, my agency is bad? Aren’t you AGENCY MAN? Aren’t you supposed to stand for everyone’s agency? And if our choice of owning guns is bad because it kills people, what about your support of prostitution, which kills women and gives women PTSD at a higher rate than any other occupation?

Well, that’s um different because um you see… sex workers have agency and um… empowerment…

How is it not empowering for me to own a gun and be able to defend myself?

We just live in a gun culture. We need to change the conversation.

Excuse me? I am a proud American and guns have been a part of my culture ever since the Revolutionary War, sir. That’s more than 240 years of my culture you’re trying to erase. Are you saying your culture is somehow better than my culture?

If it has guns in it, yes…

What right do you have to tell me your culture is better than mine? What are you, some kind of imperialist scum? You need to shut the fuck up and leave people of my culture to talk about these issues. You have no ground to stand on.

I’m an American, just like you. We’re in the same culture.

I’ll believe it when I see your long-form birth certificate. Anyway, guns are a part of our culture, and if you deny the importance of guns, you’re not really part of my culture.

Buh… but the abuse of guns victimizes people! It can’t be right to make innocent people victims of your culture!

No, what victimizes people is dirty liberals like you who want to take away our guns. If everyone had guns, we’d all be empowered to defend ourselves whenever necessary. By taking away guns, you’re the one who’s literally turning people into victims, by denying their agency and taking away their ability to choose to defend themselves! I’m saying everyone should be empowered to make those choices for themselves. And if they choose badly, then we’re all empowered to do something about it. By denying people’s agency, you’re basically saying that you know better than all of them, that you can save them from the baaaad guns, and that they’re incapable of doing that for themselves. That’s fucked up! What gives you the right to treat everyone around you like that? I’m really tired of your personal attacks against myself and honest citizens who own guns. Why do you hate us so much? Is it because you can’t afford a gun, or you don’t know how to shoot, that you feel like you have to take it out on us? Are you jealous of people who are able to defend themselves? Is that why you prance around in tights and attack other people’s choices? Your bigotry and intolerance will not win. We are empowered and we are free. Assault weapons will be legalized everywhere, it’s just a matter of time. And then we’ll all be safe! Stop being a Firearms-Exclusionary Elitist Liberal, Agency Man, for you are on the wrong side of history!

Buh… guh…

(BROCK STONE shoots AGENCY MAN in the head with an AK-47.)

Customer complaint for capitalism.

A customer enters a store and goes up to the desk.

Customer: Hello there, I’d like an exchange please.

Owner: We don’t do exchanges. All sales are final.

Customer: Now listen here, you simply have got to take responsibility for this faulty product. It’s illegal, is what it is.

Owner: Well, what is it then?

Customer: It’s this capitalism. I’ve had it for more than two hundred years, and it’s not working.

Owner: What do you mean it’s not working. It looks fine to me. Isn’t it producing?

Customer: Oh yes, it’s producing a great deal of stuff and things, but the distribution system is broken, and it all pools at the top.

Owner: Oh, that’s not broken, that’s a feature.

Customer: (outraged) A feature? A feature? How can that be a feature?

Owner: Well, you only need the stuff at the top, since that’s the only part that really does anything.

Customer: But the top part doesn’t actually produce anything, it just makes the rest of the machine produce things and then takes the credit for it. This is completely broken. Also, when it produces, it’s polluting as hell and it’s really loud.

Owner: Have you tried painting it green?

Customer: What??

Owner: Have you tried painting it green?

Customer: How is that gonna change anything?

Owner: Well, a fresh coat of green would make it look a lot better. It wouldn’t LOOK broken.

Customer: But that’ll just give me a broken machine with green paint on it.

Owner: Yea well, what can you do? We’re the only game in town.

Customer: That’s not true, there was another outfit that had to cut down in the nineties, but they’re still open. They have a different economy. There’s also theoretical models that have been tested piecemeal in other places.

Owner: Hah! You’re gonna rely on a discredited model or some theoretical model that’s probably gonna collapse on you? Just accept this capitalism.

Customer: No, it’s broken! I want my money back!

Owner: Look, I can sell you this green paint.

Customer: How much is it?

Owner: 44 trillion dollars.

Customer: WHAT? I don’t have that kind of money.

Owner: Well you bought the capitalism, you gotta pay for the paint. It’s like airline fees.

Customer: I don’t like those either!

Owner: Yea but… you’re stuck now. You have to pay the 44 trillions or your capitalism will stay broken.

Customer: What about adding some failsafes? Like a more even distribution of stuff, or making less stuff so we can have less pollution?

Owner: You can’t do that without breaking the property rights gauge.

Customer: So what? Break the gauge.

Owner: If you break the gauge, you void the warranty.

Customer: I don’t care, we need some failsafes in there.

Owner: Can’t do that. If you break the gauge, you void the warranty.

Customer: But what about the fact-

Owner: You break the gauge, you void the warranty.

Customer: They’re doing it in other places.

Owner: Their warranties are expired. If their capitalism breaks, it’s entirely their fault. The capitalism works perfectly well with the property gauge. Anything else is suboptimal.

Customer: Suboptimal for what?

Owner: For the property gauge.

Customer: Who the fuck cares about the fucking property gauge? I want you to fix this capitalism.

Owner: The property gauge says it’s working perfectly fine. The distribution and pollution are at optimal levels.

Customer: And why are almost all the couplings leading to the top white and male connectors?

Owner: That’s a coincidence.

Customer: What do you mean, it’s a coincidence? Whoever put this machine together connected the top with the white and male connectors. The blueprint itself specifies that there could ONLY be white and male connectors at the top.

Owner: Oh sure, but there are some connectors that aren’t white or male at the top now, so what are you whining about? It’s working.

Customer: It’s only “working” because it was so bad when it was made that any improvement looks better!

Owner: Well, you’re totally wrong. There are no other products. And breaking the property gauge would break the warranty. I’m gonna have to call the police.

Customer: Call the police? What do you want to call the police for? I’m just trying to get an exchange.

Owner: You’re being uppity.

Customer: I’m not being uppity, you’re being uppity!

Owner: I’m a respectable professional. You shouldn’t talk to me like that.

Customer: Well listen now, we can talk like reasonable people and…

Two policemen in riot gear bash through the door and start tasering and beating on the customer.

Owner: (smug) He tried to break the warranty! I told him!

A fetus on social media.

A new, exciting play: Agency Man Saves Women.

Theater is having a sort of renewal right now, especially with the influx of Hollywood franchises and talent. However, the indie theater is also doing well. Since this is relevant to my interests on this blog, I wanted to transcribe for you a little bit of a new play that is probably going to be a big hit. It’s called Agency Man Saves Women, and is a really wonderful story about agency, being personified into this superhero-type character, saves women who are in precarious situations. Have a read.


(A dilapidated room in the basement of a house. There are naked women posters, sexual paraphernalia, and torture equipment all over the walls. Upstage left, a desk with a computer open to a porn site and various recording equipment. Center, Gloria is lying down on a bare mattress and shackled to a post behind the mattress, struggling. She is still wearing her streetwalking clothes. To the left, there is a camera on a tripod aimed at the mattress.)

Help! Someone help! Anybody! HELP!

(Gloria continues to struggle for a few seconds, then AGENCY MAN appears from right and walks to Gloria, who is surprised.)

Ah, do not fret! AGENCY MAN is here! I will “save” you from this predicament!

AGENCY MAN! Get me out of here!



That’s not what I’m here for at all. Getting you out of here? That’s nonsense.

But you gotta get me out! I’ve been kidnapped by this john, and he’s gonna rape me on film!

Whoa there, let me correct you. What you’re talking about is porn. Women voluntarily participate in porn of their own free will, and I feel that you’re insulting their choices by associating porn with rape. Having sex on camera is not rape.

I don’t give a shit! I didn’t choose to be here!

So you’re saying that you don’t have agency? That doesn’t make any sense! You chose to be a sex worker, and you’re going to have sex.

He’s going to rape me!

(Very serious.)
Are you denying the choices of sex workers to be in porn shoots?

NO! I just want you to get me out of here!

That’s not what I’m here for. I’m here to stop you from disempowering yourself. You are a human being with the capacity to choose. You should never forget that. You should celebrate your agency, not scream against it. You are a strong woman, and I hear you roar!


I feel like you’re muddling the line between prostitution and sex trafficking. You’re not from another country, so it’s really not a big deal. In this economy, you should thank God you have a job that makes this much money.

I don’t want to be a prostitute, I just need the cash! And I don’t want to be here!

First of all, it’s “sex worker,” not prostitute. Using the correct term is very important. It seems to me that you just don’t care about your fellow sex workers. You’re not one of those SWERFs, are you? Because if you are, forget about me ever reblogging you.


It means Sex Worker Exclusionary Radical Feminist. One of those old, hairy, ugly feminists who are against sex workers. You don’t look old, hairy or ugly, so you must not be one. They are all really bitter that they aren’t pretty enough to be successful sex workers, so they turn against them. Typical female jealousy. All they talk about is how sex workers are not safe, saying that “if sex work is a form of work, then why don’t work safety laws apply to it too?”, talking about how women’s choices are influenced by this or that factor, that sort of bullshit. They hate the fact that women can choose to do sex work so they attack their agency… which is silly because we all have agency! And that’s why-

Shut the fuck up and help me! I am a victim of kidnapping! Get me outta here!

HEY! I told you to watch your language.


We don’t say the v-word. That’s a denial of agency. You’re not a v-word, you’re a thriver.


(Ignoring what Gloria just said.)
As for the “kidnapping” part, well, obviously kidnapping is not a good thing. But that’s why we need to legalize sex work. Legalization will allow women to make their choices without the threat of getting arrested hanging over them. But you know, from a sex work standpoint, it’s not kidnapping. Your body is a tool of production, so really this is just workplace pilfering, like an office worker stealing a stapler or some pens. It’s not that big of a deal.
(A loud noise comes from off right, both Gloria and Agency Man look in that direction while Agency Man says the next two lines.)
Well, it seems like your performance is about to begin. I’m going to leave now.


That’s right, and I did. I saved you from being disempowered. Now you know that you have the agency needed to do whatever you want to do. If you want to free yourself from this situation, simply negotiate terms with your john. That’s how workplace disputes are resolved. Also, you really need to read more about feminism, real feminism, not the hairy man-hating kind of feminism, which is misandry and just as bad as misogyny. There’s no need to hate anyone in this world. Remember, you have agency, you are empowered. Make the choices YOU want to make. Also, I just want to say, I love women. I’m glad I was able to be a small part of your process. Goodbye!

(Agency Man exits stage left while Gloria struggles vigorously and footsteps can be heard coming from off right.)


This reads like a great play. I heard they’re trying to get Lin-Manuel Miranda to play Agency Man. I’m sure it’s gonna be the next Hamilton.

The Adventures of Space Fetus!!!

Hello? Can anyone hear me?

Sweet… this interstellar radio set the Zebulons gave me is working! I have an audio link to Earth!

Okay, let me tell you what’s going on over here. I’m Space Fetus and I’m orbiting a sun about 7000 light years away from you. I have no sense of time, since I’m, you know, a fetus, but I’ve been floating about for eons basically. And you know what I think about?

Ice cream.

I know you humans get a lot of delight from ice cream. I also know there’s a lot of flavors of ice cream: there’s vanilla, strawberry, Neapolitan, spumoni, moose tracks, mint chocolate chip, cookies and cream, rocky road, and all sorts of other, more complex, more delicious flavors. I want ice cream. I am really, really deprived from not eating ice cream. Because even though I don’t have taste buds, or really any experience in eating anything at all, my non-existence is somehow accompanied by a deep craving for ice cream. And I can’t have any. Because I haven’t been born yet.

See, the thing is, when two of you humans of a different sex fuck, and women get pregnant, one of us space fetuses gets immediately transported into their womb through a process of particle entanglement. It’s real complicated, but basically we need you people to get pregnant so we can be born. Until then, all we can do is float around, and be deprived of all the things that you people who have been born take for granted. Because even though we’re not developed enough to, you know, think, or speak, or really do anything except piss ourselves, we still feel really deprived that we can’t eat any ice cream.

Why ice cream? I couldn’t tell you why exactly. I mean, there’s so many things we’re being deprived of by not existing: sunrises and sunsets, a good movie, love, a hot meal, and so on. But for some reason the biggest thing we feel deprived of is ice cream. Don’t ask me how space fetuses work: I’m no scientist, just a space fetus. What I really need right now is to be born. I know that you people are fucking a lot, but it’s clearly not enough. There are still billions of us floating around, suffering because we don’t have ice cream. That’s a lot of suffering we’re going through.

So here’s what we need you people on Earth to do. You need to start taking procreation more seriously. I mean, you need to start fucking a lot more often, without contraception. All this contraception is preventing us from coming into existence. You also need to stop that abortion shit. Abortion is really just adding insult to injury. We wait all these months to finally come out and eat some ice cream, and you cruelly take our chance away! We’re sucked back into space to wait for more eons. Fuck abortion. It really sucks. Literally.

Most importantly, have sex at any occasion you can. Cheat on your spouse! Men, rape women if you have to! You should be always either having sex or trying to have sex! Also, please stop fucking each other in the ass. Vaginal sex only.

Are you fucking yet?

Now, the Quiverfull, there’s some good people. They know where it’s at: having as many children as humanly possible. But they have this bizarre, outmoded belief system that tells them the family is the most important value in the world. That’s absolutely ridiculous and gets in the way of them having even more children. If every Quiverfull man cheated on their wives and had children with other women too, we could get even more of us into existence. So they’re really dropping the ball on that one. Also, they refuse to marry their daughters as young as possible. This is a huge problem, because those daughters could be popping out even more of us instead of just staying at home and being good daughters.

Listen, I’m not saying anything unreasonable or sexist. I’m just saying women should be passive receptacles for sperm, so that they may always be in the way of giving birth to someone. That someone hopefully being me. It’s just not fair. How come you get to eat ice cream and not me? You should be ready to sacrifice your life for my sake if you have to. So don’t give me some sob stories about women dying in childbirth. I’ve been suffering from deprivation for thousands of years, so my suffering outweighs your suffering any day of the week!

I’m not saying that you have to devote your entire lives to me or anything. Men obviously should be spreading their seed constantly, but in between fuckings they could do other stuff, like take care of their many children. Pregnant women would also have free time to take care of their other children as well. So it’s not entirely bleak. Don’t you people like having sex? How hard can this be?

Have some pity on me. You people can have ice cream any time you want. And gelato, milkshakes, sorbets, tartufo, ice cream sandwiches, and Baked Alaskas. In between fucking and inseminations, you can have as much of it as you want. Don’t you want to give me the chance to have some too? Please… just start fucking now. I’m so hungry…