7. “We are never victims – we create everything.” Don’t get me wrong: I like the idea that survivors can create a new reality for themselves, empower themselves and rebuild their lives, more victorious than ever. I encourage survivors to use all the tools they have at their disposal to achieve their goals and dreams (including a life of freedom away from their abusers), in both traditional and alternative ways. If the principles of manifestation helps you to achieve a new reality, go for it. There is nothing wrong with envisioning yourself in a brighter future and taking the steps to achieve your goals. You are worthy of the best life possible.
Yet when this idea is used to blame the victim for an abuser’s actions, it becomes extremely problematic. When society is focused on asking the victim what he or she “did” to create this situation, rather than showing compassion for their situation and thinking about which resources they could use to help them, we have more and more survivors remaining silent about the abuse they’re enduring (believing it is their fault), more survivors who feed into toxic self-blame and shame for a burden they never asked for. Victims are already told by their abuser that the abuse is all their fault – the last thing they need is for society to agree with them.
No one ever asks for or ever consciously creates for themselves an abusive relationship; survivors do not desire the traumas that come with an abusive relationship or the potentially lifelong impact. Victimhood is not a role abuse survivors play, either: it is a legitimate reality. Instead of placing the blame where it really belongs (on the perpetrator), this philosophy dismisses the fact that most victims do not see an abuser’s real self until they are already invested, minimizes the impact of chronic abuse on a survivor’s self-esteem, their agency and their capacity to leave an abuser with whom they develop a trauma bond.