Extract from The Spy who Came in from Tumblr, by Aiden Williams

An exciting new novel, already hailed as “the Great SJW Novel” by literary critics, has made its appearance. It’s Aiden Williams’ first novel and it’s a rip-roaring story of intrigue and personal search for meaning in a confusing world. I have posted a short extract on here so you can see how great the novel is.

Please note that this extract has descriptions of genitals. It’s kindof necessary to understand the central premise of the novel. They are, on the whole, pretty tame.

***

Mauve Dragonheart’s preferred pronouns were purr, purr, purrself, and “roar!” (with the quotation marks: if said out loud, the quotation marks have to be mimed).

Mauve looked around at the public swimming pool bustling with activity. Purr did not observe purr quarry, contrary to plan, but purr had a plan to compensate for that fact. Purr was free to do what purr loved to do best in the world, perv on teenage girls. There was nothing that Mauve was more enthusiastic about than leering lustfully at the supple young bodies of vagina-havers. Purr entered the women’s changing room. There were a few women in various stages of undress. Some gasped at Mauve’s appearance, especially when Mauve lowered purr swim trunks to reveal a ten-inch erect penis.

“Don’t worry, everyone,” Mauve forcefully said in a falsetto voice, “I identify as a woman called Mauvina.” Purr bent purr wrists and batted purr eyelashes. “This organ that you see before you is a ladystick. Everything is fine.”

The other women in the changing room nodded affirmatively, reassured at learning that the person who looked for all the world like a man with a penis was actually a woman with a ladystick. One or two of them even looked at the ladystick with lust, or so Mauvina thought as purr surveyed the room for big breasts to look at. Purr knew that these women accepted purr as one of them, and that only enhanced purr pleasure.

Mauvina left the swimming pool, checking in with purr fellow agents on purr Bluetooth for the location of the target. A fellow agent reported seeing the target at a local restaurant. Mauvina walked to the edge of the sidewalk and identified as a car called Mauviredo. Purr ladystick became a gear shift, and purr body became the chassis of a car. Purr started to flap purr mouth to make motor sounds and bounded into the street with the other cars. The gear shift bounced around as purr accelerated. Some motorists honked at purr, and purr replied by screaming honks at them.

“Get outta the road, you fucking fag!” screamed one passing driver.
“SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU OPPRESSIVE HETERO-OVERPRIVILEGED PATRIARCHIST CIS-ELITIST SCUM! HONK!!!” purr screamed back.

Mauviredo was bouncing as fast as purr could in order to not get hit, which was quite physically demanding. Purr started to sweat profusely, which, in the car identity, meant that the car’s motor was running hot. Purr skin was actually a metallic chassis, so obviously it could not sweat. To state that Mauviredo was sweating would have been bigotry, because it would mean denying Mauviredo purr car identity.

After an hour of near-collisions and strenuous driving, Mauve arrived at the designated location, an Italian restaurant. Purr rolled onto the sidewalk and identified as a fire hydrant called Mauvian Sentinel, in order to observe the diners through the windows without being seen. Purr gear shift became an erect hose outlet, ready for pumping.

After two minutes of observations, interrupted by a nosy dog with thoughts of urinating on the strange human-shaped fire hydrant, Mauvian Sentinel finally spotted purr quarry: the infamous essentialist, cissexist, transphobic, transmisogynist writer Sheila Dines. Sheila Dines was not just an old white vagina-haver, but she was that most repulsive of vagina-havers, a Feminazi. It was well understood that Feminazis were nothing less than a new, modern version of Nazis, who believed that all queers, transgender people, and otherkin should be beaten until bloody, if not outright killed. Feminazis were responsible for the deaths of thousands every year, they had no respect for personal pronouns at all, and someone had to stop them before the worst happened. Mauvian Sentinel knew purr had to do purr part. Purr identified as a cop called Officer Purple, whose hose outlet became a cudgel, and entered the restaurant decisively, making a beeline for the bad guy.

“Sheila Dines,” purr said to the Feminazi who was sniveling while enjoying an evil spaghetti bolognese, “you are under arrest for hate speech. I’m putting you away for a long time!”
“Who are you? Leave me alone,” Dines said in a nazi-like manner. “You’re not even a cop! You don’t have a uniform!” The Feminazi refused to acknowledge Officer Purple’s self-identification!
“You listen here, civilian,” Officer Purple replied manfully. “First of all, the correct pronoun is not ‘you,’ but ‘roar!’,” purr said, making the hand gesture for the quotation marks. “Second, I am a cop. I’ve always thought of myself as a cop from the youngest age. As a two year old, I was much more of an overbearing asshole than all the children around me, and I kept hitting others whether I was angry or not. I knew I was different. Do you understand what it’s like to be so different that you don’t even integrate your socialization the same way as everyone else?” Officer Purple started to cry. “And for your information, I don’t have to ‘dress as a cop’ to be a cop. I just know that I am a cop, whether I have a uniform or not. Is a cop not a cop when they take off their uniform? I’m just as much of a cop as they are, I’m an even better cop than they are, because I wasn’t even trained and yet I am so skilled at it. Look how well I’m arresting you right now,” purr said while putting handcuffs on the bigot Dines. “You have the right to remain silent. Any misgendering will be used against you in a court of law,” purr continued, kicking her prone body until Dines stopped pleading for mercy. “You Goose-Stepping Trans-Exclusionary Old White Feminists are literally just as bad as the Nazis! I hope you get raped in jail and die, you piece of shit!” Officer Purple waved purr cudgel and hit Dines’ face with it. “Take it, you bitch, take it. This is what women are good for.”

***

As you can see, this novel is really raw and edgy. I highly recommend that you read it for yourself.

6 thoughts on “Extract from The Spy who Came in from Tumblr, by Aiden Williams

  1. Independent Radical June 16, 2016 at 01:42 Reply

    Hilarious, though highly inaccurate. Shelia is a vegetarian and would never eat spaghetti bolognese! LOL!

    • Francois Tremblay June 16, 2016 at 01:45 Reply

      But what if it was an evil spaghetti bolognese?

      • Independent Radical June 16, 2016 at 06:30 Reply

        Well anything she touched or that had her name on it without proper acknowledgement of her horribleness is obviously evil.

  2. Justin Allen June 16, 2016 at 11:42 Reply

    Thanks for the excerpt. Where can I pick up the novel?

    • Francois Tremblay June 16, 2016 at 15:15 Reply

      At the same bookstores that carry The Grasshopper Lies Heavy, The Theory and Practice of Oligarchical Collectivism, The Necronomicon, and Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie.

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